I roll my eyes. “I was just thinking about something Anna said,” I say without meaning to. It seems that I can’t keep my thoughts from traveling to my mouth for anything.
“What did she say?”
I get off him, move to the counter, and start unpacking the rest of the groceries. I’m trying to stall for time, trying to make something up in my head that would sound remotely plausible, but it would be a lie, and I can’t lie to him, no matter how hard I try. I may withhold the truth, but I could not look at him and be dishonest. It would seem he’s got quite the hold over me, and I blush quietly.
Otter comes up behind me and takes the food out of my hand and sets it back down. I grip the edges of the countertop and try not to sway as a wave of vertigo sweeps me. I know if he asks me, I’m going to tell him what she said. Part of me wants him to. Part of me doesn’t. Saying things for others to hear has never gotten me anywhere.
“What did she say, Bear?” he asks.
Shit.
My knuckles turn white as I say, “She… she asked if you ever flirted with me.”
“When was this? When you guys were fighting the last time?” There’s no recrimination in his voice like I expected there to be. I think now he knows I didn’t tell him everything.
I hazard a glance at him, and I see his face is kind. This emboldens me slightly. “Yeah. She asked me that and… and something else.”
“What else?”
“She asked if—” The words choke in my mouth, and I don’t know if I can speak further. I don’t want to have him freak out or anything. Two guys should never be having this kind of conversation. It should have never come to this.
Then why is it so hard, Bear? that damned voice whispers. If it shouldn’t be like this, then why are you so afraid? Do you think he’ll be grossed out? That he’ll walk out the door again and not come back? That you’ll have gone through all of this for nothing? Maybe he will; maybe he won’t. But if you never ask, if you never say what’s in your heart, then you might as well give up now. You’ll never amount to anything.
I try to listen, but I can’t help it.
“Never mind,” I say forcefully. “It doesn’t matter.” I go to push past him to go anywhere but where I am, but he grabs my arm and stops me in my tracks. I curse him silently and try not to struggle.
“You should know by now that doesn’t fly with me,” he says sternly. “Whatever it is, you might as well tell me. It’ll make all of this a lot easier.”
I sigh, annoyed. “Otter, you don’t have any idea how hard this is for me! You think that just because I’ve acted this way around you that it’s an easy thing to do.” I blink angrily as tears threaten to rise. “You don’t know what it’s like,” I continue harshly, “questioning everything I’ve ever done. This makes no sense to me! Why am I only wanting you? If I’m supposed to be… that, then why doesn’t anything else catch my eye? What the hell does that make me?”
“I wish I could tell you,” he says gruffly. “I wish I had an explanation for you so that we were both satisfied. You only want me that way, great. It should make me feel on top of the fucking world.” He takes a ragged breath. “But it doesn’t. It makes me wonder if I was right all along, that I influenced you somehow. That I made you this way.”
I roll my eyes. “I think that’s really fucking retarded.”
He laughs shakily. “I know it is,” he tells me. “But what’s the alternative? You can’t just be… gay for one person, Bear. It just doesn’t work that way.”
“I’m not gay,” I say quickly, immediately feeling like an ass.
“I never said you were,” Otter reassures me. “You’re just you. I could never ask for any more, nor would I expect any less. Besides,” he says, chuckling softly to himself, “I hate labels. You don’t need to be labeled anything.”
I think hard, but just for a moment. “If I tell you what she said, can I ask you something?”
He nods. “Anything. You know that.”
I turn to face him, not exactly wanting to, but more afraid not to see his face when I speak next. I have to know what he thinks.
“Anna asked me if you ever flirted with me,” I say. “I told her no because I never really thought you had. But then she asked me something else, and that’s why I think she knows. That’s why she called you after we fought because she saw something in my eyes or heard me say something that sounded untrue.”
“Okay,” he says, still holding onto my arm.
“She asked me if….” SAY IT, YOU ASSHOLE! “She asked me if you were in love with me.” It comes out in a rush, and it feels so good to say this to someone else, to get this off my chest. It’s only been a few days, and I had tried not to dwell on it too much, but it must have been there more than I thought because I immediately feel a weight lift from me ever so slightly. “I didn’t know what to do, so I kind of freaked out and kind of yelled at her. She said I was lying.” My breath is coming in hitches now, but I won’t stop, I can’t stop. “She then asked if I was in love with you, and I panicked, Otter. I panicked. I said no right away, and I don’t know what it means because I felt guilty right away, and I wanted to take it back because it sounded so final.”
I want to look at him, but I can’t. Not yet. “I was still so mad at you for leaving and coming back. I was angry because it seemed like that even though you were back, we were still fighting, and I had all this hatred in me. I didn’t know how long you were going to stay. I didn’t know if I would wake up, and you would be gone again. I didn’t know why you couldn’t answer me when I asked you about what Anna had said, that you had thought you lost the only happiness you could ever have. I thought it was me. I thought I had done something wrong to make you walk away like that. But even then, I couldn’t stay away. I’ve never felt this torn or conflicted about anything in my life!
“I keep asking myself what would have happened if you’d never come back. What if Otter had decided not to come back ever again? And that scares me, because I know I would still be where I was. I don’t know if that’s good or not. It wasn’t so bad where I was at. I loved Anna. I love Anna. It’s just not the same as it used to be, even after these few days, and that upsets me. She’s been there for me more than you ever were, but here I am, having this conversation with you instead of her. I’m sad because I have to lie to her. I know she cares about me, but I don’t know if she could ever understand this. How could she when I don’t?”
I hear Otter grunt, and I know he’s about to break, to interrupt me and comfort me in the way that he always does. I shake my head just once in warning, knowing if I don’t finish now, I never will. He sighs but doesn’t speak.