I should have been using the time to think of something coherent to say.
I was mostly staring at Vince’s lips.
I was a terrible almost-husband.
So I startled a little when Jenny said, “Vince and Paul have written their own vows, as a sign of their love and respect for one another.”
“Bullshit,” Sandy coughed behind me like an asshole.
I ignored him.
“They will now recite them in front of their friends and family,” Jenny continued, “who will bear witness to the love between these two men. Vince? Paul? You purposefully didn’t give me an order as to who was going first. I think you told me you had a plan for that?”
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
“Right,” Vince said, suddenly looking determined. “We have a very serious plan as to decide who is going first.”
He let go of me and brought up his left hand, palm up, and made his right hand into a fist, resting it on top of the other.
I did the same.
“Jesus Christ,” I heard Charlie groan behind me. “Are you being serious?”
“On three?” Vince asked.
“On three,” I agreed.
He leaned forward and dropped his voice to a whisper so I would be the only one that could hear him. “You’re going down, Auster.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Bring it, Future Auster.”
The smile was blinding.
He said, “One, two, three.”
I went paper.
He went scissors.
He never went scissors.
He always went rock, because he didn’t understand how to play Paper, Rock, Scissors like a normal person. He had never—
“Got you,” he said, obviously pleased with himself.
“You tricked me,” I said, sounding outraged. “You knew how to play it this whole time!”
He rolled his eyes. “It’s Paper, Rock, Scissors, Paul. Duh. Everyone knows how to do it. God, I played you like a fiddle.” He frowned. “I don’t think I know what a fiddle is. I don’t even know how I know that word.”
“And it was going so well,” Corey sighed.
“Nothing has lit on fire,” Nana said. “I can change that if needed. I brought a canister of gasoline and some matches in the car.”
“And why did you bring that?” Dad asked.
“You never know when you need to burn your way out of a bad situation,” Nana said flatly. “I don’t want this to turn into another Des Moines, Iowa, disaster.”
“You’ve never been to Des Moines,” Mom said from behind Vince.