“I’ll hold them off,” Daddy said.
I heard the door to Jack It opening. Normally, the thumpthumpthump of bass and the shouts of people inside would pour out. But it was quiet, which was odd, given that it was a Saturday. Maybe Helena needed to do a show before we went somewhere else?
“I was sexting Vince,” I told Charlie, even if I couldn’t see him. “We were talking about French toast until Helena took my phone away.”
“I don’t know what that says about me that I understood what you just said. Mostly.”
“Backstreet’s back, all right,” I said.
“All right.”
“I couldn’t sext sexy because Mom and Dad were there and I was narrating.”
“Uh-huh.”
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Then I heard a beep.
“Daddy?”
“Yes, Paul.”
“Was that your video camera?”
“Yes, Paul.”
“You’re recording me?”
“You bet your ass I am.”
“Should I pose?”
“If you must.”
“I can do lunges. Everyone thinks lunges are sexy.”
“Please do. And then we can play this at the wedding.”
“Best. Idea. Ever.” But before I could start doing lunges, I heard the door open again and whispers going back and forth.
Then, “No time for lunges, boy. We’ve got to get you inside.”
I felt his hand grip mine, tugging me along. He moved slowly, making sure I didn’t trip over anything. The door closed behind us, and it was still quiet, more so than I’d ever heard it before. There was always noise inside Jack It, no matter what time it was.
“Are you taking me to a sacrificial orgy?” I hissed at Charlie. “You know I don’t do well in group-sex situations. I don’t like having more than one penis in front of me. I’m not ambidextrous, and I would hate trying to use my mouth on one and my hands on others. It’s like being told to pat your head with one hand and trying to rub your stomach with the other. It’s not possible!”
I thought I heard muffled snorts of laughter around me, but I couldn’t be sure.
“Do you really think I’d be taking you to an orgy?” Charlie asked, sounding long-suffering.
“I don’t know,” I said. “You’re dating someone now. I don’t know what freaky shit you’re into. You’ve changed, Charlie. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.”
“Your parents are here. And Nana. I don’t think we’re going to an orgy.”
“Ohh,” I said. “Right. Also, I’m getting married. I don’t think Vince would like me patting a penis and rubbing another one on my stomach. No matter how sexy I am. Can I borrow your phone? I forgot to tell Vince how I’d make his eggs. He needs to know just how sunny-side up they can be when I got done with them.”
“Later,” Charlie said. “Trust me, I’m sure you’ll get to tell him that later. And if you could, do me a favor and make sure I’m nowhere near either of you when you tell him. I feel like I don’t want to hear anything having to do with your apparent domestication kink ever again. Take a step here.”