“Just because I don’t want to shell out sixty bucks to have my neck rubbed while I get a haircut doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. Why in God’s name would you spend that much money ever to have someone bad touch you while they also hold scissors?”
“We don’t have time for you to make points that nobody cares about,” Helena said. “We must pregame because our ride will be here shortly.”
“The limo you ordered,” I said dubiously. “Because for some reason, you think we need a limo.”
“Baby doll, we always need limos wherever we go. But since we’re comfortably entrenched in middle-class America, we don’t always get what we want. But tonight? Yes, we are taking a limo.”
“You didn’t have to rent one,” I told her. “I know those can be expensive.”
And I immediately knew something was up when she went shifty-eyed. “It… wasn’t as expensive as you might think.”
“You did something, didn’t you?” I accused her.
“Absolutely not,” she said.
“She did,” Corey said, standing up from the bed.
“Skank,” Helena hissed. “I will spank that pert little ass of yours, don’t think I won’t.”
“Oh, I believe you. You’ve done it to me before. You even made me count out loud, remember? And then we were partway through and realized I was far too into it, and we stopped immediately because you’re like my far older spinster of a sister.”
“A pox on all your houses,” Helena said, pushing me out of the way as apparently she needed to stand in front of the mirror to slide on her gloves. “Tell me I look beautiful.”
“You look beautiful,” Corey and I intoned dutifully.
“Thank you, baby dolls. I certainly do, don’t I? Paul? Have you reconsidered letting me officiate your wedding yet?”
“Not even in the slightest.”
“You cunt.”
“Not sorry at all.”
“I shan’t be attending.”
“Oh, you’ll be there.”
“Fuck your precious little face,” she snarled at me.
“You wish.”
“We have to do shots,” she demanded.
AND WE did.
We started with what had to be the most disgusting-looking shot, a Cum in the Hot Tub, which was vodka and rum, with a few drops of Bailey’s dropped into the liquor, looking like jizz spreading in water. I almost couldn’t make myself drink it until Helena reminded me that I sometimes swallowed with Vince and I should man the fuck up like the come-slut that I was. That certainly didn’t make it any easier, as I was sure the consistency was going to be… solid.
Thankfully, it wasn’t.
From there, it was a Cock-Sucking Cowboy.
Then a Sex with an Alligator, which is how I knew the night was probably going to get out of hand, because that shot had Jägermeister in it. Which, unfortunately, I didn’t find out until I’d already choked it down.
“Jager?” I said, my voice already a little louder than it should have been. “Helena, you know what happens when I have Jager. Are you out of your damn mind?”
“I have plans for you,” Helena purred, throwing back another shot. She could hold her liquor far better than I ever could. I was already feeling a little wobbly, and the night was just starting. I needed to make sure the limo driver knew to stop at Los Betos at some point so I could get a burrito the size of my face.
“What happens when Paul has Jager?” Corey asked.