“You know how I feel about you telling jokes,” Sandy said. “The answer you’re looking for is not good.”
“I’m awesome at jokes,” Corey muttered. “And why isn’t Vince here? Shouldn’t he be the one to come with you? It’s not even nine in the morning on a Saturday. The first Saturday of spring break, mind you. I should still be in bed and considering a lazy jerk-off before going for some Pop-Tarts.”
“Children these days,” Sandy said to me, rolling his eyes.
“Vince and Darren are bro-bonding or whatever they do when they do stuff,” I said. “Probably grab-ass ball in the park while checking out the racks of all the frat guys. I don’t know. I’m not a bro, so I can’t do that.”
“Why can’t we be bros?” Corey asked. “We’re all guys. Well. Okay. Some of the time we’re all guys.”
“I’m always a guy,” I said.
“Sure you are, Agnes Beaverton.”
“I will never forgive you for that,” I hissed at Sandy.
Who proved he knew me way too well by ignoring me completely. “We’re besties,” Sandy said to Corey. “There’s a difference.”
“This sounds borderline stereotyping,” Corey said. “Maybe I want to be a bro.”
I snorted. “There’s no way you can pull off being a bro. Either of you. You both flail too much.”
“Bullshit,” they both said at the same time.
“I could totally be a bro,” Sandy said. “Hello. I’m a drag queen. In case you didn’t know, that means I can do pretty much anything.”
“And I’m blaxican,” Corey said. “Which automatically means I’m badass. Also, I just found one of Vince’s baseball hats here in the back. I’m going to wear it and cock the bill to the side so people know I probably used too much Axe body spray and am serious about bro-ing.”
“Can we please just focus on why we’re in the middle of buttfuck nowhere?” I pleaded. “I just want to get in, have what’s-her-nut show us some shit, and then get out and go home and take off my pants. That’s all I want.”
“Sure, dude,” Sandy said, slumping down in his seat and putting his feet on the dash.
“Yeah, man,” Corey said from the backseat. “I got you, bro.”
“Oh no,” I whispered.
SANCTUARY WAS exactly that: an oasis in the middle of the desert. The hills around were sand and rock and filled with cacti and scrub brush, but the ranch itself consisted of grass so green it almost looked manufactured. There were stone paths throughout the ranch, large palm trees lining either side. A huge barn was at the east end. There was a ballroom with a large outdoor patio made of imported Italian tile. There were Chinese lanterns that were strewn along the ranch. I’d never been here at night before, but the wedding was to take place at sunset and I’d only seen pictures from previous weddings. It was going to be beautiful when it was all said and done.
We just had to get to that point.
And there was a chance we wouldn’t, given the possibility that I’d be sitting in jail for the murder of two of my best friends.
“Welcome back to the Sanctuary,” Sophia said, a bright smile on her face. She’d been assigned as our wedding coordinator. She’d had an impressive portfolio when we’d been considering the ranch, and Vince liked her, even as I grimaced at how lavish the place was. But I’d known then as I knew now that I’d give him whatever he wanted. “It’s so nice to see you again, Mr. Auster.”
Hence the goddamn horse ranch.
“I told you to call me Paul,” I reminded her. She was a petite woman, just a little older than Corey, which meant she was a baby. But she had this spunk about her that I normally detested, but somehow worked for her. She was the type that had been a cheerleader in her Catholic high school and shrieked things like J-E-S-U-S! HE’S OUR SAVIOR AND THE BEST! GOOOO JESUS! and then graduated and became an adult, but still jumped for Jesus.
Or something.
“Paul,” she said as if I’d bestowed upon her the greatest gift known to mankind. “Of course. Paul. Paul!”
“Yikes,” I said. “Er. Hi, Sophia.”
“Where’s Vince?” she asked, glancing down at the clipboard in her hands. “Is he running behind schedule?”
“No, he’s with his brother today. He was good with me coming here on my own and giving the okay on anything we needed.”
“But you’re not exactly alone, right, brah?” a voice said from behind me.