“Oh, I’ve always wanted to have a big family,” Nana said. “How lucky are we?”
“Vince is going to change his last name to Auster,” I blurted. And then, “Shit. I wasn’t supposed to say that yet.”
And even my father’s eyes were wet at that. “It’s a good name,” he said gruffly. “German peanut farmer name, in case you didn’t know.”
“So it’s okay?” Vince asked shyly. “I can be an Auster too?”
I didn’t think I’d ever seen my mother move as quickly as she did then, pushing up from her chair and running around the table, laughing and crying as she all but tackled Vince. His chair rocked back dangerously, but I caught it before they both toppled over. She sat in his lap as she hugged him, chin on the top of his head. “You can be an Auster too,” she said. “And I would be honored to walk with you.”
“And the same for me,” Dad said, looking straight at me. “I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am right now. Thank you, son. It’s probably going to be my favorite day ever.”
“I haven’t been this happy either,” Nana said, bottom lip trembling.
“Paul’s a dirty whore who gave me herpes!” Johnny Depp shrieked.
“Okay,” Nana said. “I lied. Now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”
Chapter Four: The Great American Bro-Off
March 12, 2016
T-Minus 14 Days
“PLEASE MAKE an immediate right turn,” That Damn Bitch said.
“We’re literally stopped on a bridge right now,” I growled at the GPS. “There are cement girders on either side of us. I can’t turn.”
“Recalculating,” she snapped at me.
“Maybe you should consider getting a new car,” Sandy said from the passenger seat. “Your GPS wants to kill you, your radio is making Vince smarter. All of this sounds like a recipe for disaster.”
“And yet we still find ourselves getting in the car every time,” Corey said from the backseat. “It’s like we don’t know how to learn lessons.”
“Your destination is… four hours and… fifty-seven minutes… away,” That Damn Bitch said. “Please proceed on the highlighted route.”
“Where the hell is she taking us now?” I groaned.
Sandy played with the touch screen in the car. “Uh-oh.”
“Uh-oh?”
“Did you know that on the road to Sedona there’s a place called Bloody Basin? Apparently she wants you to go there.”
“Murder car,” Corey breathed.
“Recalculating,” That Damn Bitch spat.
“Why do you even need the GPS?” Sandy asked. “You’ve been out to the horse farm before. Can’t you remember how to get there?”
“Horse ranch,” I corrected. “And it’s really far out here. I don’t want to get lost. We’re already running behind schedule in
meeting with the wedding coordinator. I don’t want to take any chances.”
“Please proceed on highlighted route,” That Damn Bitch said.
“Okay, we’re not that far from the Sanctuary,” Sandy said, looking at the screen. “Be tee dubs, that sounds like a place for a cult. Why are you getting married at a horse cult farm?”
“Heh,” Corey said. “Or a colt farm. Get it? Horse and cult? Colt? Colts are horses? Right? Yeah, you guys get it. You’re not laughing because it’s too good. I get up all in your shit.”