His eyes widened. “No. That’s not what I—argh. I’m doing this all wrong. Okay. I want you to listen to me. Hear everything I’m saying. Let me finish. Deal?”
“Deal.”
He looked relieved. “I’ve never really had… this. Before. Someone like you. It’s just never worked out for me like that. And it’s wonderful. And terrifying. You’re so fucking young, and part of me wants to step back and let you live your life.”
“But—”
“Not finished yet,” he said, not unkindly. “Because there is a bigger part of me that doesn’t give a shit about that, and I don’t feel as guilty about it as I probably should. I told you that this was real for me. And I meant every word. You… you’re one of the greatest things that’s ever happened to me. You’re the better part of my every day. And I can’t imagine a life anymore where you’re not in it, in one capacity or another. You’re fierce. And strong. And you make my world a better place.”
“Same,” I said awkwardly. “I mean, you know. You for me. And stuff.”
He snorted. “Gee. Thanks. The and stuff part really cemented that.”
I glared at him.
“I need you to know that this is a big deal for me,” he said. “And while maybe we could have forgone the whole egg thing, I wouldn’t change any part of it.”
“You’re telling me,” I mumbled. “I just had to pull it out of my ass in front of Paul and Helena.”
He coughed roughly. “That’s… I don’t know what that is.”
“It’s fucked-up.”
“Yeah. A little.” He shook his head. “You’re making me lose track of what I’m trying to say.” He moved until he was in front of me. He took my hands in his, squeezing gently. It was the first time we’d really touched since that night in his office. It felt good. It felt… right. “So here’s the deal. I care about you. And that’s probably an understatement. More than you could possibly know.”
Uh-oh. “But….”
“But we need to do this right,” he said. “Because I don’t want to mess it up. It’s too important to me. You’re too important. So I think what we need to do is take some time to figure this out. We need to have clear heads and realistic expectations going forward. This summer has been a bit of a bubble. We’re both going to be starting school again, and you’re going to be busier than ever. I don’t want to take away from that.”
“You won’t,” I said quickly. “I can—”
He shook his head. “Just… listen. Okay? I need time to figure out how we’re going to do this. Because I want to do this. With you. Don’t ever doubt that. But I have to make sure I get this right. If, after all this, you still want to be with me, I have to make some choices. The university has to know. I can’t take the chance that either of us does anything that will put us in jeopardy. I don’t think you’d want that either.”
I shrugged, because even though he was right, I was still feeling reckless about it all.
He shook my arms a little. “Hey, come on. You know I’m right.”
I looked down at our feet and voiced the one thing that kept echoing through my head. “What if you change your mind?”
He let go of my hand and pressed a finger under my chin to lift my head. He was smiling quietly. “All that stuff you said to Paul and Vince? About it maybe being a little more than just caring. It’s the same for me. Of course it is. How could it not be? You’re you. And that’s all I could ever want.”
And then he kissed me.
It was chaste and sweet, the barest press of his lips against mine. Neither of us tried to deepen it, and it was over really before it began. But there was a promise there, one that caused a bright spark to burst in my chest.
He pulled away and took a step back. He looked as affected as I was. “So.”
I reached up and brushed my fingers against my lips. “So.”
“We do this right.”
I nodded.
“Because this is real.”
“The realest, even.”
He grinned at me. “I can’t wait for us.” He jerked his head toward the door. “Let’s go back inside, okay? Let everyone know you’re okay. They were worried.”