LarryBerry; Language!
“PAUL USES an ice cream truck to lure children!”
“Did you know that parrots can live for up to seventy-five years?” Nana asked us from her recliner. She was wearing a muumuu with pictures of Sylvester Stallone’s face ironed onto it. I learned early on it was better not to ask. “Some even longer.”
“And some a hell of a lot shorter,” Paul muttered as he walked toward the kitchen carrying a pan covered in tinfoil.
“You better not be threatening my bird!” she shouted after him.
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“It wasn’t a threat!” Paul called back. “It was a promise!”
“Pay him no attention,” Nana cooed to Johnny Depp. He was sitting on a perch next to her recliner. “He just doesn’t understand how special you are. And how smart. Who is the smartest bird in all the world? Yes, it’s you.”
Vince leaned down and kissed Nana on the forehead. “Hi, Nana.”
“Pretty!” Johnny Depp cried. “Pretty, pretty!”
Vince leaned over Nana to kiss Johnny Depp on his beak. The bird ruffled up its feathers as if pleased. “And hello to you too. I’m going to go see if they need help in the kitchen.”
I set Wheels down, and he began to run around, his cart squeaking behind him. Johnny Depp shuffled on his perch before lifting his leg and pointing his talons at Wheels. “Baaad dog,” he said. “Baaaaaaad dog.”
Wheels ignored him, sniffing everything he could find.
“You look stressed,” Nana told me, hands folded on her stomach. “Tough week?”
“You have no idea,” I muttered.
“We could always go in for another massage, if you think that would help. This time I think we should pretend that you’re the sugar daddy and I’m the gold digger. We can ask Sandy for a wig and everything. We can’t go to the same spa, of course. I’m sure they have our pictures up at the front desk. That’s the seventeenth business I’m not allowed to come back to in Tucson.” She grinned gleefully. “I’m aiming for twenty by the end of the year.”
I sighed. “I don’t think that will help.”
She scoffed. “Says you. I’m older than you, kiddo.” She looked me up and down. “Love the dress. It fits you well.”
I looked away. “Sandy got it for me.” It was… pretty. It made me feel good. It was a white skater dress cut just above the knees. It had blue splotches on it like it’d been brushed with paint.
Nana sniffed. “He has good taste. It’s very summery. Goes well with your skin too. I should have him take me shopping.”
“He tried that,” I reminded her. “Remember? The police were called.”
Nana waved a hand at me. “The manager and I had a disagreement.”
“You told him that you would find out where he lived and burn his house down.”
“Like I actually would. My days of pyromania are firmly behind me. Ever since Miami.” Her eyes shifted side to side. “But since I can’t talk about that by court order, why don’t you tell me what’s got you all in a tizzy, my lovely girl.” She craned her neck over her shoulder. “And where are Sandy and Darren?”
“In the car,” I muttered. “It was decided that Darren would look better with Sandy attached to his face.”
“Young love,” Nana said with a dreamy sigh.
“I was sitting between them in the back seat,” I growled. “They could have waited. I barely escaped with my life!”
Nana smiled knowingly. “You’re so overdramatic. As your grandmother, I approve.”
That struck me more than I expected. I knew the Austers considered me to be part of their family, but to hear it spoken aloud still managed to knock me for a loop. “I don’t know what the hell has gotten into them. And Paul and Vince. You don’t know the things I’ve heard. It’s like living in a house of horrors filled with dogs in heat.”
“They’re happy,” Nana pointed out. “That’s a good thing.”