Damn him and his ability to make me feel things while my cuticles were getting worked on! “Thank you. So you see, there’s nothing you have to worry about. Let’s talk about something else.”
“Yes,” Nana said. “Let’s. How’s Daddy Charlie doing?”
I blinked. I hadn’t expected her to fold so easily. “Good. I took him to the doctor last week, though he bitched the entire time he could drive himself.”
“Getting his blood pressure under control?” Matty asked.
“Yeah. He’s on the right medication now. Healthy as a horse, or so he says. I’m keeping my eye on him, though. We all are.”
“Nasty business, getting old,” Nana said, a strange note in her voice I couldn’t quite place. “But I’m glad to hear he’s doing better. He’s got that new beau. Nothing helps you feel young again like finding someone to spend your time with.”
This felt dangerous. Surely they didn’t know anything, right? Paul and Sandy swore they’d keep their mouths shut. They swore. “I guess,” I said slowly. “Robert’s good for him. Charlie’s grumpy as always, but I think it’s just a front now. I’ve seen him smile more in the last few months than in the past year.”
“Good, good,” Larry said, crunching on ice. His drink was almost empty again. “We can’t wait to meet this… this Robert.”
I was starting to sweat. I told myself it was because I was wearing a robe in Arizona at the beginning of June. I almost believed it. “I’m sure it will happen sooner rather than later.”
“Oh, I imagine it will,” Matty said, munching on one of her eye cucumbers. “In fact, I suggested to Paul before he and Vince left that we should have a barbeque at some point this summer. Invite Charlie and Robert. Very casual.”
I wiped a trickle of sweat from my brow. Had the air-conditioning failed? This was barbaric! “That sounds good.”
“I wonder who else we should invite?” Nana asked as she stroked the single hair on her chin. “Is there anyone else that we could think of that should be present at a meet-the-family barbeque?” Her eyes widened comically as she gasped. “Oh! Didn’t I hear Robert has a son?”
I needed to get out of here. If I had to run out the front doors in a short robe, I would. I’d done worse things for a lot less.
“That’s right,” Larry said, eyes twinkling. “A son. What was his name?”
“I have no idea,” I grunted. “Hey, are any of you hungry? I’m hungry. I could sure use a sandwich. Maybe I could just go home and make us all one and bring it back. Yes. That sounds like a good idea. I’ll do just—”
Matty shook her head. “I’m not hungry at all. And now that I think about it, I do recall hearing Robert had a son. Jerome. Jerry? Jackson?”
“Jeremy,” I said without thinking. And then I squeaked uncontrollably as I slapped a hand over my mouth.
They all turned slowly to look at me. Even the nail technicians.
“Jeremy,” Nana said.
I shook my head. “Nope. Nope. No. Nein. Nyet. Non. I absolutely will not have this discussion with—you know what? Hold that thought. First and foremost, who’s gonna get it? Give me a name, because I’m going to murder them.”
And it was about that time that my masseuse, Tanya, was walking by. She stopped and stared at me. “Hibbity bip,” she breathed. “I knew it was real.”
“No, Tanya!” I yelled. “No hibbity bip! Murder is bad!”
She hurried away. Goddammit. I was going to get so subpoenaed.
I stood up, pulling my robe tighter, and stepped out of the foot-soaking tub. Water droplets splashed on the floor, and I almost slipped. I managed to save myself and turned to stare fiercely at my family. I put my hands on my hips so they knew I meant business.
“So precious,” Nana whispered.
“Now see here,” I said sternly. “I don’t know who opened their fat mouths, but I have an idea—”
“Darren and Vince,” Matty supplied helpfully.
“—but I… wait. What. Really? Darren and Vince? What the fuck?”
“Language,” Larry scolded. “Especially while I’m getting my nails done.”
I threw up my hands. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I don’t know what they told you, but it isn’t true. Professor Olsen is great, but I don’t think of him that way.”