Lost And Found
SANDY was still at my house when I got back. H
e looked up from the couch as I opened the front door, and I swear to God, it was like he could see everything all at once. My face screwed up tightly as I began to shake, and he leaped up and surrounded me, whispering quietly in my ear like he was my shelter.
I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel like crying. I don’t think I was sad. I don’t think I was angry; at least, not fully. I think I was tired and worried and sick to my stomach. I was trying to fight, as I’d done the entire way home, the urge to say “screw it” and drive to the hospital almost overwhelming—promises and Vince be damned. I knew that if something had happened to my mom, he would be one of the few people I’d want to be there. This led to spending a few minutes considering just when I’d started thinking of Vince as part of my family. It was made worse when I realized I didn’t want to think of a time when he wouldn’t be.
Sandy petted my hair as my head was in his lap. I turned to lie on my back, staring up at him, and he smiled sweetly down at me. Wheels was asleep on the floor near my hand, where he’d been since I got home, and I stroked his fur. I felt better. Well, a little better.
“I already called in to work,” Sandy said quietly. “I let them know that you both would be needing some time off, at least next week. Vince will be good to go a little longer than you. You have vacation time saved, right?”
I nodded. “Didn’t really have plans to use it, so that’s okay. Thank you.”
He smiled softly. “Of course, baby doll. I know this is hard on you too.”
“It’s not about me, though, and I think I kind of made it that way.”
He snorted. “You mean you asked for something for yourself for the first time in your life? You’re right, Paul. That’s so selfish of you. How dare you.”
“Har har. Hysterical it had to happen right at this moment.”
“Hey, at least it happened. I’ll take that over it never happening at all.”
“Yeah.”
“Paul?”
“Yeah?”
“Everything’s going to be okay. You know that, right?”
I did and I didn’t. I couldn’t figure out which was louder. I gave the easier answer. “Sure, Sandy.”
He didn’t believe me. “If it’s not, then we’ll figure out a way to make it okay.”
“You’re way awesome, you know that?” He was. Probably the most awesome person to ever have walked the face of the earth. It was pretty much a given that I’d have been a psychotic wreck without him.
“I do know that.” He grinned. “I’m glad you can say it out loud. You should probably tell me numerous times every single day from here on out so you don’t forget it.”
“You’re not that awesome.”
He kissed my hand. “I pretty much am.”
“Maybe you can talk to him,” I said without thinking. “You know what he’s going through.”
His forehead creased. “Because of my parents?”
I winced. “That was an asshole thing of me to bring up. Shit. Sandy, I’m sorry.” I tried to sit up but he wouldn’t let me, pressing down against my chest, holding me still.
“Do you really think that would help?” he asked.
I shrugged, keeping my mouth shut so I didn’t break the world in half with my stupidity.
He stroked his fingers through my hair again. “You know, I don’t think that would be quite what he needs. As a matter of fact, I would think you would be the one more experienced in this than me.”
“My parents are still alive,” I pointed out, feeling like an ass saying the words out loud. “I don’t know loss like you do.” Though that might not have been the complete truth. Sandy’s parents had been like a second set for me, and their loss was a palpable thing for a long while after they were gone. I had grieved for them like they were my own.
“They are,” Sandy said lightly, letting me know he understood what I was trying to say. “And they’re going to be around for many, many more years. That’s not what I am talking about, Paul. You may not know what it feels like, but you’ve seen it firsthand. You’ve been through it just as close as anyone else can say.”