“When, then?” Amanda asked. “We can’t just go around acting like nothing happened. I’ve hurt you. I know that. I love you too much to just ignore this.”
“But not enough to keep from fooling around with my boyfriend?”
Her harsh words seemed to vibrate in the air between them. Amanda looked like she’d been slapped and was holding her breath.
Emma set down her purse on the table with a loud thump. She knew she couldn’t keep avoiding Amanda. She was her little sister, for God’s sake, her lifetime companion, fellow latchkey child, the single surviving column of the structure that gave the shape to Emma’s life since their mother had died. Never before had Amanda done something so hurtful. It wasn’t in her nature. Emma believed that. Despite the bizarre circumstances, it’d been Amanda’s shattered expression that had caused Emma’s mother-bear instinct to flare to life with Colin last night.
Once there had been three—Mom, Amanda, and Emma—against the world. Then there were two.
Now there was still two, but Amanda was moving swiftly away from her, too far to be an anchor anymore. She dreaded the idea of not having Amanda there as a confidant . . . as her only family.
But look what she did behind your back!
Emma stilled the choking thought with effort.
“I’m not hurting in the way you’re thinking,” Emma said.
“I’ve betrayed you.” Amanda said stiffly, as if she spoke toxic words that burned her throat and tongue.
She looked into her sister’s beautiful, tear-stained face. “Changes come, whether you want them to or not.”
“Please tell me I haven’t ruined our relationship forever.”
“You’ll always be my sister, Amanda. I’ll always love you. But things have changed. How am I supposed to trust you like I did before?”
Misery settled on Amanda’s face, giving the quick impression she’d aged five years in an instant. “And to think,” she whispered after a pause, “all because I couldn’t control myself. All because I wanted something I didn’t really need.”
The memory of Montand’s thick self-disgust for his lust flamed into Emma’s awareness. “Who’s to say you don’t need it? If not Colin, then passion. Risk.” Emma mumbled distractedly, the image of Montand clouding her consciousness.
“You’re condoning me kissing your boyfriend in the name of taking a risk?” Amanda asked incredulously.
“No. I’m saying that some things are inevitable. Life is filled with the unexpected and irrationalities and change. You must have wanted Colin an awful lot to have acted on it, given the circumstances.”
“Part of me still can’t believe I let it happen.”
“And the other part?” Emma asked wryly.
“I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I think . . . I think I’ve fallen in love with him.”
“And Colin? Does he feel the same way about you?”
Amanda nodded, more tears filling her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Emma. God, this is so screwed up.”
Emma sighed. She felt wrung out. Exhausted. Heartsore. “I should have broken things off with Colin a long time ago. I’ve been living in a dreamworld, acting like everything is fine, holding on to him because he was my own personal safety net. I was in the relationship for all the wrong reasons.”
“Tell me what to do to make this right, Emma.”
“I can’t make everything better for you on your timetable, Amanda,” she said, frustration entering her tone. “That’s not fair to expect it.”
Amanda swallowed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to lose you, and I’m scared.”
“I’m not going anywhere and neither are you. We’ll eventually get past this. But right this second, I’m just . . . really tired. I’m going to bed.”
Amanda nodded, tears leaking down her cheeks. Emma was usually her comforter. But there was nothing she could say to soothe her little sister at that moment. She was too confused herself, and her frothing emotions and thoughts had nothing to do with Colin.
* * *
Saturday morning, she