“You really do think that I’m still sick in some way, don’t you?”
“No,” he said emphatically, his hand curling around her shoulder and bringing her back against him. “That’s not it at all. I just want to be inside you.”
“You mean . . . without a condom?”
“Yes. If you’re on birth control and we’re both healthy, I don’t see what’s preventing it.”
She sagged against him. He br
ushed his fingers through her hair, causing prickles of sensation along her neck and ear.
“What are you thinking?” he demanded.
“Well . . . it’s just . . . how do you know I won’t sleep with someone else while you’re away one of these times?” she fumbled.
His stroking fingers paused. “Do you plan to?”
“No!”
“So what you’re really asking is, how do you know that I’m not sleeping with someone else when we’re not together, is that right?”
“Yes. I guess so.”
He resumed stroking her hair. She could almost hear him thinking in the silence that followed. “Vanni?” she prompted after a moment, her anxiety getting the best of her.
“I was just thinking of how to respond to reassure you,” he said quietly. “The only thing I can think to do is be honest. It’s up to you whether or not you believe me. I’d understand if you didn’t. Do you recall me telling you at the beach after I returned from France that I was having trouble sleeping and eating because I couldn’t stop thinking about you?”
“Yes,” she whispered, entranced not only by his words, but also by the deep rumble of his voice vibrating against her skin and ear.
“I tried to be with another woman.” She stiffened in his arms. “I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I thought, considering the circumstances, maybe it was called for.”
“What happened?” Emma whispered warily.
“I started out with the single-minded intention of getting you out of my head,” he said thoughtfully, his fingers curling in her hair, his palm cupping her head, his fingertips rubbing her scalp. Despite her anxiety over the topic, she found her eyelids drooping at his touch. “But it didn’t work. I didn’t want her.”
“How do you know there won’t be another that does make you forget me?” she whispered.
Her head dipped as he exhaled deeply. “I just know. You have my word. I know I’ve told you I’m selfish, but I’m also honest.” One finger caressed the shell of her ear, making all the tiny hairs there stand on end. “I’ve never asked this of a woman before. I’d prefer to have the boundary there, to be honest. Both in the literal and figurative sense,” he added dryly. “But you’re very rare,” he continued slowly, his voice low and gravelly. She had a distinct mental image of him staring up into the darkness, his expression thoughtful. “I dislike myself enough at times. I couldn’t bear to make it any worse by . . . spoiling you in any way . . . something so fresh.” Her heart paused in her chest when he faded off. “It’s something I just couldn’t do,” he resumed more firmly. “So in short, the only thing I can give you is my word. Maybe that’s not enough for you. I can tell you this, though. When I was in high school and college, I was a walking, talking lit fuse. I was determined to travel fast and furious all the way to hell without even a brief stop. Nothing made sense to me. Nothing mattered. It’s a wonder I made it to adulthood alive. Then something happened that brought me to my senses, something that made me realize the one thing that did matter, the one thing I could control, was my word. I couldn’t control anything else but that. It became my anchor. If I said a thing was going to happen, it happened. Too much else in the world didn’t make a bit of sense, but that, I could control. I’ve fought to make that my reality ever since then.”
She exhaled shakily and touched her lips to the crinkly hair on his chest. It felt like fingers clutched at her throat hearing him say those poignant words.
“Emma?” he prompted after a moment.
“Yes,” she whispered.
His fingers moved on her scalp. “If I’m only going to have you for a limited period of time, I want you completely, and on my terms. Will you see Dr. Parodas tomorrow?”
She should say no. She was crazy to be considering it. It was a level of intimacy far beyond their agreed-upon relationship. But the mental image she had of him staring up at the ceiling, believing himself to be protected by the darkness, plagued her.
He was so alone, even here, while she was pressed so tightly to him, skin to skin. She wasn’t his savior. She wasn’t much of anything but a very average young woman. And yet, there was that connection she felt to him, a connection she couldn’t entirely explain away by naïve imagination.
“Yes,” she whispered, forcing the word out of her constricted throat. “I’ll do it.”
* * *
He fell asleep before she did. Emma lay there, feeling the subtle rise and fall of his chest beneath her cheek, entranced by the sensation, lulled by his clean, spicy scent mixing with the subtle perfume of sex, the fragrance heady and delicious. Being in Vanni’s arms cast a spell around her. The last thought she had before drifting off to sleep was that perhaps her entrancement was why she’d agreed to sacrifice so much of herself, when he was offering so little in return.
* * *