‘I know. But it’s the way I want it to work.’ He sighed.
‘You want me to be safe, you want Sam to be safe... They’re both good things, but you’re stretching yourself too thin. You should concentrate on Sam and let me fend for myself for a while.’
This was what Kate knew how to do, fend for herself. She’d been mistaken in allowing herself to rely on Ethan. He wanted to be the one she could depend on but it was too soon. Too hard for him.
‘I don’t know how to do that.’ Something hardened in his eyes.
‘You have to try. Ethan, you need to be with Sam and not me. I can deal with that. I just can’t deal with your expectations because they make me want things that I can’t have.’
Finally it was clear. They’d tried, but both of them had to change. And neither of them could do it quickly enough to stop them from tearing each other apart in the process.
* * *
It was such a small thing. A dent in the back of Kate’s car shouldn’t be able to wipe away everything they’d meant to each other in the last few months.
But Ethan knew that it wasn’t the dent that was the problem. And Kate was right, she couldn’t count on him, because he didn’t know yet how to put aside his guilt and be the man she wanted him to be.
‘You’re right. I care about you, but that’s not enough.’
‘No, it’s not. You have to change. I have to change.’
Ethan shook his head. He couldn’t believe that he was about to say this, but it was the only thing that made any sense. The only thing that would allow her to heal. And maybe it would allow him to heal as well, but that didn’t matter very much to Ethan at the moment.
‘Don’t ever change, Kate. Just find your strength.’ He walked past her, trying not to look at her, but his gaze automatically found hers. ‘I have to go.’
Her hand flew to her mouth and tears brimmed in her eyes. But she didn’t stop him. Ethan walked back into the kitchen, hearing her footsteps behind him as he opened the front door.
‘Ethan!’ she called out to him and he turned. In that moment, he loved her enough to leave her.
‘If you honestly think we can work this out, then tell me now.’
She stared at him wordlessly. She didn’t need to say it. Her tears were eloquent enough.
‘Then I’m sorry, Kate.’
He opened the front door without waiting for her answer. As he closed the door behind him and walked away, Ethan wished that somehow there could be an answer to all of this. But some things just didn’t have an answer.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
‘WOULD YOU LIKE to take Arthur up to Summer Hill this morning?’ Sam was sitting at the table in the conservatory, surreptitiously trying to feed some of his breakfast to the dog.
‘Yesss!’
‘Good. Well, you’d better make sure that you eat all your breakfast. And that Arthur eats all of his.’
It had been three months and Arthur was growing. The long days of summer had begun to to draw back in again, although the days were still warm. But it seemed to Ethan that he had hardly felt the sun on his face since the evening he’d walked out on Kate.
It was for the best. He’d told himself that so many times now, in an attempt to put the yearning for her back into perspective, that it wasn’t necessary to repeat it once again. She was everything he wanted but there was one fatal flaw in their relationship—two, maybe. He was one of the flaws and she was the other.
The doorbell rang and he went to answer it. Sam scrambled down from his seat and followed him.
‘What’s that?’ Sam eyed the parcel that the courier had just handed him.
‘I don’t know. Probably something from the hospital.’
Sam lost interest, running upstairs, and Ethan called after him. ‘I’ll be up in a minute.’
But he wasn’t. The package contained a hard-bound notebook that he recognised immediately, with a sheet of notepaper slipped under the elastic closure. The world suddenly changed its focus.