“I don’t know what I am,” I said.
I picked up the contraceptive wrapper and started out. He followed me down the stairs.
The two of them looked up at us with their mouths full of tiramisu.
“This is delicious,” Jimmy said.
“Do you want any?” I asked Matt. He shook his head. He looked ashamed now instead of angry—ashamed and embarrassed.
“I’d better go,” he said. He threw an angry glare at Jimmy, who just kept smiling and eating. Then he turned to leave, and I followed him out.
“If you start a fight with him, he’ll probably tell everyone what happened,” I said at the front door.
“He probably will anyway. He’s a jerk and a half.” He started to lean toward me to kiss me good night and then stopped. “I’m sorry,” he said, and went quickly to his SUV. He didn’t look back at me. He seemed eager to get away.
After he left, I went into the kitchen and took out the food I’d been planning to give him and put it with the rest of the wasted food in a big garbage bag.
Haylee came to the kitchen doorway as I worked.
“Jimmy’s going to take that trash bag and dump it for us so Mother doesn’t accidentally see it or something.”
“Do what you want,” I said. I put the last of the dishes and silverware into the dishwasher and walked past her and up the stairs.
When I stepped into my room, I stood staring at the rumpled sheets and pillows. How would I sleep in it and not think of what she had done? I sat on the bed, thinking. She had heard me leave and came in and saw the unused condom. If I had settled on the yes instead of the no, this wouldn’t have happened. Should I blame myself, too?
I didn’t realize I was crying until the first tear dripped off my chin. Instantly, I rose and went to the bathroom to wash my face and prepare for bed. I changed into a pair of pajamas, the exact same pair Haylee had, of course. Suddenly, everything we shared seemed dirty to me. But what could I do about it? Just before I got into bed, she came to my door.
“Jimmy left.”
I didn’t respond. I got into bed.
“I made sure everything was clean in the dining room and the living room.”
I was quiet.
“It was all just fun, Kaylee. It’s not as big a deal as you think. Get over it. He’ll feel guilty about it anyway, and you’ll have him wrapped around your finger for as long as you want.”
“I don’t want to wrap anyone around my finger, Haylee. That’s not my idea of a boyfriend. Besides,” I said, now sitting up, “what kind of a boyfriend is Jimmy if he thinks it’s funny that you made love with another boy, practically right in front of him?”
“Take a hint. If I cared anything about him really, I wouldn’t have done it. He’s too immature for me. He was only good for a few laughs,” she said. “I’ll probably give him his walking papers this week. If you dump Matt, maybe I’ll toy with him for a while.”
“What?”
“Tomorrow let’s just talk up how everyone loved Mother’s food. She’ll ask fewer questions. Good night, sister dear,” she said, and went to her room.
I lay back and stared at the ceiling. My brain felt as if it had turned into a little merry-go-round. I had to close my eyes to keep my head from spinning.
The best thing I could do was fall asleep and get out of this reality.
But I was just as afraid of what I might dream.
11
I didn’t want to entirely blame Matt for what had happened. I told myself that whatever Jimmy had put in our drinks had the most to do with it, but of course, in the back of my mind was the question of why Matt still couldn’t tell the difference between Haylee and me. Was Mother right about us? That to be happy in this world, we had to embrace our similarities and reject our differences? For most of our lives, she had us convinced that no one could look at one of us without seeing both of us. Could either of us at a moment’s notice become the other? It certainly wasn’t something I wanted to be true, and I had no doubt Haylee felt the same way.
Matt didn’t call me in the morning as I was hoping he would. Twice I started to call him, but I stopped myself both times. I imagined he was still feeling confused and guilty and wasn’t ready to talk about it. I did worry that he would go after Jimmy, and I mentioned that to Haylee when she came out of her room in the morning.
“If he sees him somewhere tonight and something terrible happens, it will bring lots of attention to us. Mother will find out everything.”