I tried to feel sorry for her. I really did. But all I could think was that I would never have to share anything again. Whenever she escaped or he let her go, she would be so different that no one, despite our physical resemblance, would ever think of us as the same. Even Mother would have to get used to that. Of course, Kaylee would blame me, but in the end, it would be my word against hers, wouldn’t it? I’d simply say she was trying to get out of being blamed for being so reckless and stupid. I’d cry about how she had often tried to blame me for things she had done. She’d often gotten away with it, hadn’t she? Mother would be confused, of course, and Daddy, well, Daddy would just be happy it was all off his shoulders.
Kaylee would hate me for a while, but eventually, she probably would forgive me. She was always like that, eager to stop us from being angry at each other. She couldn’t even stay angry at me when I had tricked her first real boyfriend into making love with me thinking I was her.
Of course, there was always the possibility that she would never return. So many abducted girls or girls who ran away were never found. Maybe if I began to tell the police how difficult our lives had been living under Mother’s rules for us, they would conclude that she really had run away. Many times, I’d almost done so myself. They’d tell each other that this girl didn’t want to be found. Why waste any more time on the case?
I had no doubt that Daddy would eventually accept that Kaylee was gone.
Meanwhile, I thought, the atmosphere here now was really not very different from what it would be after a funeral. The weather had changed since I had gotten up. More clouds had come sliding in on the edges of a coastal storm. The morning seemed especially to drape our house in a dismal gray, as if nature knew this was the place on which to rain depression. I practically tiptoed about the house.
The lights weren’t turned on in most of the rooms downstairs. The dining room looked dreary even with the curtains pulled wide open. Just as at a wake, we were all speaking very softly. Only the constant ringing of the phone broke the heavy silence. I shuffled back to the stairway. Daddy was sitting on the sofa at Mother’s feet now. She was under the blanket and still looked stunned. He glanced at me and shook his head. She was always too much for him, now more than ever. I pulled in my lips and fought back tears. He didn’t know whom to feel more sorry for, Mother or me.
As I walked up the stairs, I wondered how long I could be maudlin. It was one of the most difficult things for me to do deliberately, especially looking at myself in a mirror and seeing how tired I appeared, even a little pale. I looked hungrily at my lipstick and couldn’t help running my brush through my hair a little. I was so tempted to turn my cell phone on. I knew what I would eventually say, but it was too early for that, so I resisted.
I did brush my teeth, of course, and splashed my face with cold water. I thought about taking a shower and putting on some clothes, but I decided to wait, maybe for the whole day. When I heard Daddy coming up the stairs, I hurriedly went back to my bed and hugged the pillow, just the way Kaylee and I had hugged sometimes when we were little girls. Everyone had thought that was so cute. How devoted we were to each other, how inseparable, just the way Mother wanted us to be.
We were hugging different pillows now, I thought.
Daddy knocked and entered. “She’s not making any sense, Haylee. She’s blocking it all out of her mind. I’m going to look into the private nurse, but in the meantime, Dr. Bloom has recommended a psychiatric nurse who can help all of us.”
“Why all of us?”
“You don’t realize yet what a deep impact this is having on you. I know you’re putting on as brave a face as you can, but something like this has long-term effects, Haylee. We’ll all need some help.”
“I’m upset, but I’m not crazy, Daddy.”
“This person is more of a counselor than a psychiatrist. It’s recommended for families in this sort of a crisis. Besides, anything that will help us right now is welcome, don’t you think?”
I reluctantly nodded, but then I looked up at him quickly. “Maybe we should have done this long ago, Daddy.”
“Long ago?”
“Don’t tell me you didn’t believe that Mother was a bit of a kook, especially when it came to Kaylee and me. In a way, she drove Kaylee to do something like this. She was desperate to be her own person. You saw it all. You were overwhelmed, too.”
He stood there looking at me and thinking.
I was ready to add, and you didn’t do anything to stop it, you ran away instead, but I didn’t have to say it. I could see he was thinking it and feeling guilty.
“It’s not going to serve any good purpose now to blame anyone for anything,” he said.
I hoped he didn’t see the smile I was unable to keep from pushing its way around my lips. “No, I guess not. I guess we shouldn’t blame each other for anything,” I said. “I hope this counselor or whatever he or she is doesn’t make us say things we will regret.”
“It’s a woman, Dr. Ross. I’m sure she knows enough not to do that.”
“Good. Every once in a while, I feel like screaming. I do scream, but into my pillow.” I turned and buried my face in it. I heard him come farther in and felt his hand on my shoulder.
“You’ve got to hold together, Haylee. I’m depending on you.”
I turned, the tears so well behaved on my cheeks, and reached up for him. He leaned down and hugged me, cherished me like he never had, and then kissed the top of my head before letting go and leaving my room.
He closed the door softly, as softly as an apology.
It will be easy to change when it’s the right time to change from the devastated, sorrowful sister to the daughter who has to be strong for her parents, especially her poor mother.
I leaped off my bed and threw open my closet to consider what I would wear when it was time to look stunning. I sifted through some things and for a few minutes didn’t realize I was humming one of my favorite new songs.
I slapped myself in the face. “Not yet, Haylee Blossom Fitzgerald. You’re still the devoted identical twin. And remember, what Kaylee suffers, you feel, too.”
For a moment, I paused to think about it. What if I really did feel h