"Sure."
"Really," I said. "I'm fine."
"Maybe we should have the doll in here," he
suddenly suggested.
"What?"
"I don't know. Maybe it adds something." "That's a silly idea. Tyler. Really."
"I'll be right back." he said. rising. He went into
the bathroom and a few minutes later, he returned.
"Let's do it by the book this time," he said.
Had he really studied up on it, read a book on
lovemaking with directions and diagrams?
He sprawled over me, this time not bothering so
much to kiss me. Instead, he lifted my legs and fit
himself comfortably in between them.
"I'll be better," he said. "I'll be better." He entered me slower and then we began to
make love quite differently, with less of a frantic
sense. I closed my eyes and he leaned down to kiss
me.
"Yes," he said. "Yes, this is better. Tell me. Tell
me," he insisted, as if he had to be reassured. "It's better," I said quickly. And it was. I wasn't afraid so much of being like Brenda as
I was of not knowing if I was or if I wasn't. My fear
was I would be in some sort of sexual limbo, never
attracted to anyone, never attractive to anyone. Celia, in an intimate moment, once told me she
had been with men in her youth. "I was just never able
to develop any sort of romantic relationship with any
and after a while. I saw them as human dildos," she
added. It was early on during my time with her and Brenda. and I was actually embarrassed to hear these things. I certainly didn't know what to say. She followed it with her short but melodic little laugh and never spoke of it again. I said nothing about it to
Brenda.
I thought about it now, however, and wondered
if what Tyler and I had just done meant we would