‘Is that what I’ve done?’
‘Yes. You weren’t hurting the boy. Actually, what you were trying to do was make him grow up. You were both wrong for a while. Now you’re both winning. Not because you want to, but because you have to.’
‘No, it’s only he who’s ahead. The idea was to grow them as fruit for the grave. But all I did was give them—’
‘Love,’ said Bleak.
Quartermain could not say the word. That dreadful sweet, candy–sickening word. So trite, so true, so irritating, so wonderful, so frightening, and, in the end, so lost to himself.
‘They won. I did them a favor, my God, a favor! I was blind! I wanted them to race about, like we run about, and wither, and be shocked by their withering, and die, like I’m dying. But they don’t realize, they don’t know, they’re even happier, if that’s possible.’
‘Yes.’ Bleak pushed the chair. ‘Happier. Because growing old isn’t all that bad. None of it is bad if you have one thing. If you have the one thing that makes it all all right.’
That dreadful word again!
‘Don’t say it!’
‘But I’m thinking it,’ said Bleak, trying mightily to keep an unaccustomed smile from creasing his lips.
‘So you’re right, so I’m miserable, and here I sit, crying like a goddamn idiot fool!’
The freckled leaf–shadows passed over his liver–spotted hands. They fitted, for a moment, like a jigsaw and made his hands look muscled, tanned, and young. He stared at them, as if delivered free of age and corruption. Then the freckling, twinkling motion of passing trees went on.
‘What do I do now, what do I do? Help me, Bleak.’
‘We can help ourselves. You were heading for the cliff. I tried to warn you. You can’t hold them back now. If you’d had any sense, you might have encouraged the children to continue their damned revolution, never grow up, to be egocentrics. Then they really would have been unhappy!’
‘A fine time to tell me.’
‘I’m glad I didn’t think of it. The worst thing is never to grow up. I see it all around. I see children in every house. Look there, that’s Leonora’s house, poor woman. And here’s where those two old maids live, and their Green Machine. Children, children without love. And over there, take a look. There’s the ravine. The Lonely One. There’s a life for you, there’s a child in a man’s body. That’s the ticket. You could make Lonely Ones of them all, given time and patience. You used the wrong strategy. Don’t force people to grow. Baby them. Teach them to nurse their grievances and grow their private poison gardens. Little patches of hate and prejudice. If you wanted them unhappy, how much better to say, “Revolt, I’m with you, charge! Ignorance, I’m for you! Down with the slob and the swine forever!”’
‘Don’t rub it in. I don’t hate them anymore, anyway. What a strange afternoon, how odd. There I was, in his face. There I was, in love with the girl. It was as if time had never passed. I saw Liza again.’
‘It’s still possible, of course, you can reverse the process. The child is in us all. It’s not hard to keep the child locked there forever. Give it another try.’
‘No, I’m done with it. I’m done with wars. Let them go. If they can earn a better life than I did, let them earn it. I wouldn’t be so cruel as to wish them my life now. I was in his face, remember, and I saw her. God, what a beautiful face! Suddenly I felt so young. Now, turn me around and roll me home. I want to think about the next year or so. I’ll have to start figuring.’
‘Yes, Ebenezer.’
‘No, not Ebenezer, not Scrooge. I’m not anything. I haven’t decided to be anything. You can’t be anything that quickly. All I know is I’m not quite the same. I’ve got to figure what I want to be.’
‘You could give to charity.’
‘You know me better than that.’
‘You’ve got a brother.’
‘Lives in California.’
‘How long’s it been since you’ve seen him?’
‘Oh, God, thirty years.’
‘He has children, right?’
‘Yes, I think so. Two girls and a boy. Grown now. Got children of their own.’