“The right thing? Isn’t it a little late for that? You already stuck your dick in my ass, Julian!”
He didn’t hesitate, viciously countering, “It was a mistake! From the very start it’s all we’ve been! One big fucking mistake!”
“Which part?” I stumbled back from the harshness of his response. “Taking my virginity or leading me on?”
“All of it. I had no right to steal any of that from you. I’m a selfish bastard, and for that I’m very sorry, kid. You don’t deserve a man like me.”
“That’s not your choice to make! It’s mine!”
“This never should have started between us.”
It was blow after blow, after blow. It felt like he didn’t care about how much his brutal honesty was affecting me, how much it was destroying me inside. Julian had the ability to shift from hot too cold at the drop of a dime. Showing me this Jekyll and Hyde side to him too many times to keep track of.
Words failed me, and all I could do was fight for us. He was worth the hurt and devastation along with my tears and sorrow, my love, my devotion, the uncertainty of a future that felt destined from day one.
Trying to hold my heart together, I placed my hand over my chest. Arguing, “You don’t mean that.”
“You have no idea how much I do.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. “You can’t do this to me again.”
Sweeping the hair away from my face, he tucked it behind my ear. “I don’t have a choice, kid.”
“Yes, you do. Choose me, Julian. I love you. I’m in love with you.”
He didn’t answer, barely demonstrating any emotion. I did the only thing I could. I bared my heart and soul to him, only to have him crush it into a million tiny pieces.
“What do you want from me, Autumn?”
“I want you to fight for me! Who cares about my parents and Christian? This is our lives, and if we want to spend it together, then it’s no one’s business but our own.”
“I don’t see it that way.”
I started to sob, feeling like a little girl when I should have been stronger.
Harder.
However, I always wore my emotions on my sleeve. It was who I was—it was how I was made. I didn’t want to shatter in front of him, breaking like a cheap piece of glass.
At this point, I’d come this far, and I couldn’t hold back. Openly bawling, I asked, “Why don’t you want me? Why don’t you love me like I love you?”
“Oh, kid…” He tugged me into his arms, holding me close to his heart while I broke down. Proving to him I was just a child, begging the man I was hopelessly in love with to love me back.
I cried in a way I never had, sobbing until I felt as though I had no more tears to shed.
Words to say.
Pain to feel.
It was all a clusterfuck of emotions and memories. Good times that were some of the best days of my entire life. Where nothing else mattered but being with him.
In his presence.
His bed.
His heart.
Home.
He was always my home, and for the life of me I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be his.
“Autumn, I’m barely hanging on by a thread here. Please don’t cry over me.”
“Then stop making me.”
“Baby…” He picked me up and carried me to his bed. Laying me down, he hovered above my body, and I desperately wanted to remember the feel of him on top of me.
Using this position to my advantage, I expressed, “Why am I not good enough for you?”
“It’s the other way around.”
“Why won’t you be brave like me?”
“It has nothing to do with being brave, Autumn, and I wish you could understand that. I’m so deeply sorry for fucking with your heart, but I can’t lose your family. They mean everything to me.”
“But you’re willing to lose me? Do I mean that little to you?”
“Kid, I can’t answer that. I’m sorry.”
I lost my shit, heaving, hyperventilating, wailing. I was a blubbering mess, and there would be nothing left of me after this. He was stealing it all. Every last part of me now belonged to him.
“Is this what dying feels like? Because you’re killing me, Julian.”
He kissed away my tears, and what once gave me peace, now gave me war. It created havoc in my body, not refuge anymore.
I was desperate.
Aching inside.
Instead of leaving with a bit of my pride, I did the only thing I could in a moment where I felt lost.
I kissed him.
Praying I could use my body to change his mind.
—Julian—
I could physically feel her agonizing emotions radiating off her in waves as she kissed me like her life depended on it. I wish I could tell you I didn’t expect what happened next, but I’d be lying.
I should have stopped her.