“I don’t feel good,” I said, sniffing and heading for the bathroom. “I’m not going to the market today. I’m sorry. Go ahead without me.”
26
Drew
I gave her space. Three whole damn days of space. I’d crossed over from being smug about what a mature and understanding boyfriend I was to the verge of panic. Was Michelle ghosting me? Was this some kind of karma? I broke her heart in high school, and maybe this is what I got. I got the love of my life back and then lost her again. It felt horrible. My throat went tight when I thought about it.
After texting her a couple times and trying to call her, I’d left a voicemail but she didn’t call back. And I knew her. She always had her phone with her. She worked in a library, not an emergency room. I was hurt and confused. I was bordering on pissed off.
I never wanted to be that guy who went to her work to track her down. It was intrusive and a little creepy. Under normal circumstances I never would’ve considered it. But she was stonewalling me. No communication at all. I went to Trixie’s flower shop to pick up a bouquet for Michelle and maybe see if I could get any idea from her best friend about what the hell was going on in my relationship. It was a last ditch attempt to get any idea of the problem so I went in knowing what I was facing. Michelle was mad or hurt or both. I had to find out why. Maybe being armed with flowers would help.
At the flower shop, some girl I didn’t know checked me out when I got a bouquet of orange lilies. Trixie was on the phone, gave me a wave but didn’t meet my eyes. That wasn’t very enlightening, but it solidified that something was up. In my desperation, I went and picked up her favorite pizza and a six pack of beer and went to her house. I had to know what was going on. Things had been going so well and I had no idea what changed. I knocked on her door, feeling nervous.
When she finally opened the door after taking forever, she didn’t look at my face. She looked somewhere in the vicinity of my right shoulder to avoid my eyes. That was bad and I knew it.
“Hey,” I said when she didn’t speak. “I brought a peace offering. I don’t know what’s up, but I want to talk it out. I miss you.”
I held out the pizza and indicated the lilies. She shook her head. Her face looked pale and her eyes were red like she’d been crying. It wrenched something in my chest to see her so sad.
“It’s not a good time,” she said.
“Please,” I said, clearing my throat. “Michelle. We have to talk. Whatever it is, we can fix it. What’s going on? Why are you shutting me out all of a sudden?”
“It isn’t any one thing. I just realize it isn’t going to work.”
“What the hell does that mean? ‘It’s not going to work?’ Not if you don’t let me in and talk to me, it isn’t. This is worth fighting for, Chel.”
“It means too much time has passed. We need to move on. I need to move on.”
“No way. That’s—"
“Just go, Drew. Please,” she said, her voice cold as ice.
I looked at her for a solid minute, reeling and silent, “You’re really going to do this? Just end it?”
“Goodbye,” she said. She shut the door before I could say anything else.
I felt like the biggest dumbass in the world with my flowers and pizza and beer. I turned around and walked off her porch. I thought about leaving the flowers so she’d find them on the doormat when she left in the morning but that felt—too much like I was a doormat. Too submissive. She’d just shut me out for good. I walked to the neighbor’s big black trash can out by the curb and dumped the pizza and lilies in. I wasn’t going to waste good beer. I took that home with me to drink while I stared at the wall and wondered what the fuck had gone wrong.
I was beyond confused. I was heartbroken. I felt physically sick and cold, like I’d just lost the only thing I couldn’t do without. Desolate, that was the word. Funny how you can remember some middle school vocabulary word out of nowhere because you finally understand exactly what it means.
27
Michelle
A whole week after I shut the door in his face and I still couldn’t sleep more than a couple hours at a time. I cried all the damn time when I was home. At work I could at least be distracted. Once I was at home I just sat on my bed and sniffed and went over every wonderful moment we’d shared in the last month and a half since we got back together. Even the really tough conversations had been beautiful in a way because I got to see how we had both matured and grown and how serious he was about being honest with me and working things out. I felt so ashamed for shutting him out, but I reminded myself that I chose this. I chose to raise my baby alone and the sadness I felt over giving him up was nothing to the shame and misery I’d feel if I’d trapped him into a life he never wanted.