His troubled expression halted her in her tracks and reminded her of his pain when she’d told him she loved him. She sucked in a tremulous breath and looked at him properly.
Her glittering palace of hope disintegrated. The hands that had risen toward him fell back to her sides and formed fists of anguish.
“What’s this about?” she asked in a flinty voice.
He shifted away from the windows, back toward the fire. He stopped before her, still too far away to touch. Of course.
“It’s the obvious solution, Charis.” An unexpected moment to realize he’d started to use her real name naturally. He spread his gloved hands as if appealing to her to see things his way. “If we’re wed, I have a husband’s legal rights.”
Since she’d met him, becoming his wife had been a hopeless dream. Now he proposed, and she wanted to run away and cry her eyes out. Because he married her to save her, not because he wanted her as his life companion, the woman in his bed, the mother of his children.
“You said you’d never marry. Never have a family.” Her lips felt as if they were made of wood. “That’s changed?”
“No.” He held himself rigid as a soldier on parade. His voice was implacable. “It will be a marriage in name only.”
She shook her head. “That’s not what I want.” Then flinched as she saw pity seep back into his eyes.
“It’s all I can give you. That and a chance to lead your own life once we see your stepbrothers off.”
“I want to spend my life with you.”
It was the cry of the spoilt girl, her father’s darling, the indulged aristocrat. As she spoke, she cringed. He offered so much for her sake. She had no right to carp at the price she paid in return.
Even if she knew that price would destroy her.
He sighed again and ran his hand through his hair in a gesture of despair. “Perhaps the scheme is doomed after all. I can’t bear to hurt you.”
Sightlessly, she stared into the grate while her fantasies of a fulfilled life with Gideon scorched away to ash. She’d have a life with Gideon, but they’d be two polite strangers. Duty would sustain them, not mutual love. She wanted to scream her denial to the skies.
Now she understood his appalled reaction to her declaration of love. Marriage to a woman eating her heart out for him promised him eternal torment.
She forced herself to answer. “You said we have no option.”
“We could run.”
“I’ll be safer as your wife.”
“This is your whole life we’re talking about.”
“And yours.” He sounded like he cherished no hopes of happiness for himself. The thought cut her like a razor. “I can’t ask this sacrifice of you. It’s too much.”
His face was pale, set, as if he contemplated a death sentence. “Charis, there’s no sacrifice on my part. My life is over. In any meaningful sense. Let me help you.”
He spoke with such a complete absence of self-pity, it stole her breath. How could he say such things? Yet again, she realized so much here was beyond her comprehension.
Before she could summon a protest at his brutal assessment of his future, he went on, his tone abruptly becoming cool and businesslike. She guessed he resented how much he’d revealed in that last dour statement.
“One of the local men will sail us to Jersey. We can’t board the packet in case your stepbrothers have people watching the ports. We’ll marry as soon as we can. Certainly within a day of arrival. Two of the villagers will dress as you and me and take the road to Scotland. They’ll leave in a fast carriage the moment I have your agreement.”
“So Felix and Hubert will think we’ve eloped to Gretna,” she said dully. The extent of Gideon’s planning indicated he assumed she’d fall in with his scheme. Of course she would. What choice did she have?
She stiffened her spine. He did this for her. She owed it to him to make everything as smooth as she could.
“It’s the more usual route, and the ruse should give us breathing space.” He paused, studying her reaction. “We won’t return from Jersey until you’re twenty-one. Then what happens is up to you. For the sake of appearances, I suggest we live under the same roof for at least a year.”
“As you wish.” She had no right to resent his generosity. She should be on her knees in gratitude.
He frowned at her lifeless response. “Are you worried I’m a fortune hunter?”