She’d ruined it for Chris, too.
She was selfish. Never before had she thought of herself that way, but it was true.
Tears pricked the corners of her eyes and she swiped at them with the tips of her fingers. Crying was useless. Feeling sorry for herself even more so. She needed to pick up the pieces and make this right for her children. Focus on their joy and work on hers later.
She’d originally planned to spend tonight at home. With Christian. But after her outburst at the hospital, she knew that wasn’t going to happen and she didn’t want to be alone. Considering Mindy felt the same way and didn’t have her boys until tomorrow morning as per the temporary agreement with Marty, they’d decided to get together later. Patrick, Lyssa, and their children would also join them. But Mac had politely declined her invitation. Jane had a feeling he was mad at her for what she’d done to his friend.
Well, fabulous. He could join the club.
Their parents were busy putting everything together for tomorrow. Her mother was baking and cooking and creating so much chaos in the kitchen, Jane was glad she wasn’t there. Her poor father had been stuck with cleanup duty. Then, family from all over would congregate at the McKenzie household tomorrow afternoon to celebrate the season.
Jane almost didn’t want to go. Didn’t want to face everyone, many of them relatives she hadn’t seen since before the accident. Mac would be distant toward her and probably tell their siblings what she’d done. How she’d turned on a good man because of her fears.
This time the tears did come, and she let them fall, blinking so hard they stuck to her lashes. A deep, trembling breath sounded in her lungs and she closed her eyes, wishing the empty feeling away.
She was being stupid. She should go to him. Maybe after the holidays, after everything settled down, she would visit Chris, see if he’d hear her out. Tell him how much she loved and missed him. But the thought of him spending the holidays alone broke her heart. She should go to him now. Or tomorrow, before she went to her parents…
The doorbell sounded, chiming “Jingle Bells,” and then Mindy’s voice rang in greeting, bright and cheery. Way too cheery. Jane knew her sister was barely holding it together. The first Christmas without Marty, the first Christmas Eve without her boys. Despite that they hadn’t gotten along, Mindy still loved and missed Marty.
Well, now the both of them were in a fine mess.
Composing herself, Jane followed the chatter to the kitchen where she found Mindy unwrapping a plate of various cookies, the children diving in and grabbing them by the handful.
“Hey, hey, two each and that’s it.” Jane swatted their hands away, making them drop the fistful of cookies they’d grabbed. She glanced up at Mindy, who was already nibbling on a red frosted star-shaped sugar cookie. “How many of these have you made?”
Mindy shrugged. “Too many. I can’t stop. I’d rather bake than think about what a crappy Christmas this is.”
“Min.” Jane glared at her, flicked her head toward the kids who watched the adults with wide eyes. “It’s not so bad, remember?”
“Right. Not so bad at all.” The sarcasm was extra thick. “What’s for dinner?”
“Tacos.” Jane smiled when the kids groaned. They hated the idea of tacos on Christmas Eve.
“How—festive.” Mindy didn’t look too thrilled with it, either.
“I know, right?” Jane feigned ignorance and snatched a cookie from the plate. “I’m all about the easy tonight.”
The kids ran out of the kitchen once they’d finished gorging on cookies and Mindy shot her a speculative glance. “Are you all right?”
“Never better.” The smile grew, bright and false, and it hurt the corners of her mouth.
“Liar.” Mindy shook her head. “Why don’t you at least call him?”
“I thought about it. But he probably won’t listen to me.”
“You’ll never know unless you give him a chance.”
“Why should he give me a chance? I flipped out, Min. I stomped all over his heart and said the worst, the rudest things imaginable. If I were him I would never want to see me again.”
“He’s in love with you.”
“I’m sure he got over that real quick.” But Jane didn’t know if she’d ever get over it.
“People can’t turn off their emotions like a switch,” Mindy pointed out.
Jane arched a brow. “Marty seems to have done a good job of it.”
Mindy winced. “Nice one.”