What kind of advice columnist am I? I think it rhymes with hypocrite.
Physician heal thyself.
Is this what depression feels like? Sitting on a balcony in dirty pajamas, trapped in a sluggish time suck of inaction that eats away at your soul until nothing else matters?
Maybe I’m just like my father…
Nope. If my silent self-pity binge can morph into a Prince song that quickly, I haven’t quite hit bottom yet. Maybe there’s hope.
“Earth to JD.”
“It’s not that easy to snap out of this, Royal. You don’t understand.”
“Yes, I do.”
“No, you don’t.”
“But I really do.”
“Stop.” I run both my hands through my hair and cringe. That feels like it can’t be a good look. “Fine. What do you think you know?”
Royal leans forward to look at the skyline. “I know this situation is your own fault and you need to get over it before you screw it up for good. I know some guy named Tanaka is Matilda’s new cyber pen pal and…what else? Oh yeah, I know I’m the most attractive brother you have and that right now you smell like cottage cheese.”
I whack him out of habit then stare, wide-eyed. “Tanaka? What? With who?”
“Witty. You should write that down.” At my glare he holds up his hands. “All I know is he started talking to her last week. Don’t ask me how he got her number, but she was impressed. He was worried about his friend, but said that Carter wouldn’t give him details beyond the fact that he’d pushed you into talking about your past and scared you away—”
“He didn’t push me into anything.” But I can’t deny I ran. Even now I can’t bring myself to listen to any of his messages, afraid of what I’ll hear. And he’s filled up my voicemail twice. “But why did Tanaka call Matilda?”
And did Carter know about it?
“She and Rick are in the living room now, so I guess you can ask her yourself.”
“What?” I stand up so fast I get dizzy and might have tipped off of the balcony if my brother hadn’t grabbed hold of my pants. “What are they doing here? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I am telling you.” Royal stands beside me, wrinkling his nose. “And they had no choice. I refused to take you to them, because that would require being seen with you in public.”
“I get it. I’m gross and I stink. But seriously, tell me why they’re here.”
He bends to look directly into my eyes. “They. Are. Worried about you,” he says slowly and succinctly. “Oh and they said it was time to tell you about your grandparents.”
Grandparents? What the fuck?
He uses my shock to fast walk me inside the apartment and towards the shower, bypassing the living room so no one else has to see or smell me.
After closing the door, I turn on the water and strip, groaning in relief when the hot spray finally starts to work its magic on the first layer of filth.
Tanaka and Matilda? That’s a scary combination. The idea of them talking at all is making me nervous. But if he sought her out, it had to be because Carter was suffering. The thought sends and ache through my heart.
He deserves better than this. He’s never run away from anything. Not his family, not his duty, not me.
But why is he suffering about me? What could he possibly see in me that’s worth my childish, neurotic bullshit?
He already told you.
I freeze as the water beats against my thick skull, giving me clarity for the first time in weeks.
Son of a bitch.
He did.
All the behavior I was suspicious of, that I didn’t trust is suddenly replaying in my mind. The way he watched out for me. The way he listened. His soft smile when I rambled.
His face when he came inside me.
He’s not suffering because he liked having me around for company or ready sex or any of the other asinine reasons I came up with in my addled brain.
He’s hurting because he cared and I walked away from him. He’s hurting because I won’t return his phone calls.
He’s hurting because he was falling in love with you.
I turn off the water and let several days’ worth of dirt and sadness slide down the drain.
“I am officially the biggest fucking idiot on the planet.” I look into the mirror and his loving voice echoes in my head.
Our planet, grasshopper.
“Shit!”
I hear Royal’s laugh on the other side of the door. “Are you done having shower epiphanies? Our parents need some handholding while they bare their souls and that’s you’re department. I’m just here to shuttle people around and look pretty.”
I get myself together, grab some clothes and join them in the living room, feeling strangely naked without my coating of misery. Still, all I can think about is Carter…until I see Matilda.