“I just wanted some time away from pity, that’s all,” Jamie said and the words were from his heart.
“So you let me nearly go crazy wondering what was wrong with you? All because you thought I’d pity you?”
The men outside were nodding at this. “Yes, I did,” Jamie said, his head down.
“You had no respect for my profession.”
Outside, the men nodded in agreement.
“I’m really sorry and you are right. I didn’t respect you or your expertise and I thought of no one but myself. It’s just that—” He stopped when the men started vigorously shaking their heads no. Raine made the motion of zipping his mouth closed.
As Hallie looked at his nearly bare body, a tiny bit of anger left her. He s
till had on only the towel and the brace. Up close, the gashes and cuts were worse than they’d first appeared. “So what else is there? PTSD?”
“Yeah. I’m—” Jamie stopped talking.
“When the gate slams?”
“I go into a stance of defense,” he said.
Hallie nodded. “Your fear to leave the grounds?”
“Crowds, strangers, places I don’t know, they all…” He took a breath. This wasn’t easy for a man to admit. “They scare me.”
“What medications are you on?”
“For sleep, anxiety, depression.” He paused. “But Hallie, since I’ve been with you, I’ve tapered off. You’ve been the best thing that’s happened to me. You—” When he stepped closer to her, this time she didn’t back away.
“Wait a minute! You told Dr. Huntley, didn’t you? You told a stranger what you were going through but not me. No, you let me try to figure it out. I’m here to help you, but you wouldn’t even take off your shirt. You…” He was only a few feet from her and the thought of what he’d been through was beginning to sink in. Anger was being replaced with tears.
“Hallie, I’m sorry,” he said, his voice barely a whisper. “Really, I am. I just wanted you to see me as a whole man, not as damaged. I didn’t want you to think of me as less than a man.”
Some of her anger returned, but it was different. “Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds? You’re more of a man than anyone I’ve ever met. You care about…about everyone. You’re funny and smart and…I thought we were becoming friends. But you ran off with your brother and left me alone with your naked cousins.”
It was sinking in to Jamie that she wasn’t going to feel sorry for him. Todd had talked him into staying away for a couple of days to give them both time to think. But Jamie had agonized over her meeting men who weren’t damaged by war and life. And she had reduced them to “naked cousins.” He wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry in joy.
He motioned for the guys to leave, then took a step toward her. “I did a stupid, selfish thing because I didn’t know women like you existed. I assumed you were like everyone else and would be sickened at the sight of me.” His heart was in his words. His pride, his very manhood, was there. To admit his failings was almost as painful as the wounds on his body. “Hallie, I have problems, deep ones, and I honestly don’t know how to handle them. I can’t sleep well without pills. I—”
“You don’t sleep very well with them,” Hallie said. “If it weren’t for sleeping kisses, you would have fallen out of bed the first night I was here.”
Jamie’s eyes widened. “Sleeping kisses?”
“At two A.M. every morning I’m at your bedside trying to get you settled. The only thing that works are kisses and hugs. And sometimes sleeping with you like I’m your favorite stuffed toy. You’re like a toddler. Except for—” She couldn’t keep up her bravado. Reaching out, she put her hand on his chest, on the ridges and dips of the scars. Some of them were burns. “I could have helped you,” she whispered.
“I know that now, but I didn’t then.” He touched her earlobe. “You’re so beautiful, but I’m so…so repulsive. My cousins are perfect and I’m—”
“More interesting!” Hallie said. “They are perfect. They haven’t a mark on their flawless bodies, but you…You’ve done something for other people and for your country. You…” She was fighting tears. “You’re more of a man than they will ever be.”
When Jamie held his arms out to her, there were tears in his eyes and she went to him. For a moment he held her as he had before, as friends, and her mind was on what he’d been through.
But as they stood there, bodies entwined, Hallie became aware that at some point Jamie’s towel had fallen off. And he was ready for her. She could feel the hardness of him through the thin fabric of her shorts. It looked like some parts of him weren’t damaged!
When she pulled away, she meant to make a joke. But the look in his eyes erased all thoughts of humor. It had been a long time since she’d had a boyfriend and Jamie Taggert was a very desirable man.
For a moment his eyes searched hers and she knew that “yes” was written in them.
Bending his head, he kissed her, but only for a second. He drew back and looked at her in shock. “I remember!” he said. “I remember the taste of your kisses.”