There were words in my head, thoughts that I wanted to say. Such as apologies and explanations, and pleas for him to watch after Livia if anything went wrong. But when I opened my mouth to respond, nothing came out. So I gave up and let him go with only a nod.
While some chariot races began straight out of the gate, because this was the first race of the Ludi Romani, we were to have a procession first. Since the emperor was not in attendance, today's procession would be more simple than usual -- a single lap at trotting speed. Because I was on an outside track, my horses would have to go faster at the curves to keep our processional line even, tiring them faster.
Roman soldiers on horseback and carrying the banners of Rome came into the building. Several of them looked back and nodded at me. These were Radulf's men today, and though they could do nothing for me, it helped to see their good wishes. The trumpets blared, warning the crowd that we were about to come out. They would play twice more -- at the start of the race when the white cloth was dropped and then at the start of the final lap.
The soldiers rode out first, to the swell of noise from the crowd, nearly five times the numbers who had deafened me in the amphitheater. Radulf had told me that by some estimates, almost one person out of every four in the city of Rome could fit inside this circus. I didn't know if that was true, but looking at the crowd, I certainly believed it. The trumpets continued to sing, and once we rode out, the noise exploded. It filled my head and swarmed my thoughts.
But one detail demanded my attention, which was finding the seat that had been reserved for Livia. Although Radulf would be in the spine, she was the general's granddaughter and would be given a seat of honor.
Once my horse came closer to the emperor's box, it wasn't hard to find the area near where she should have been. Magic rose in me, more than I wanted, and though none was allowed for the race, I had no hesitation about using magic for her.
And suddenly, I saw her there, taking her seat exactly where she should have been. She wasn't really watching me, but then she wasn't really watching anyone. Just staring forward with her back straight and tall, her hands in her lap, and completely indifferent to the noise around her. That was enough. The Praetors would keep their eyes on her. I could only hope that they would leave her alone while I raced. If they didn't, it would ruin everything.
Or more accurately, ruin everything more than it already was. It hardly seemed possible for things to get any worse.
I waved up at her, just to test her reaction, and she waved back. She looked more confident than anxious, and even if it was faked emotion, it still made me feel better to see it.
"Is that your sister?" the racer to my right said. "She's a pretty little thing."
"She's the granddaughter of a Roman general," I said. "Who would gladly gouge out your eyes for looking at her that way."
The racer laughed nervously. And stopped looking.
The man at my left caught my eye and then glanced at my hands, holding the reins. "All we're allowed to do is keep you from winning. But if you're not tied in, you might do even worse to yourself."
"You won't stop me from winning." I looked over at him and smiled. "Maybe one of the other men here, but not you."
He grinned. "Listen, boy, I'll get to you first."
"I can smell you from here," I said. "Your fleas will consume you before you've had a chance to catch me on this track."
And the man next to him laughed, starting an argument between them, which I much preferred to any attention on me.
With six chariots between us, it was difficult to see Aurelia from here, though Callistus was perfectly visible and was getting plenty of attention from the crowd. At one point, I saw Aurelia's hair blowing in the morning breeze, but that only reminded me I had let my team of horses fall behind and needed to straighten our line.
I looked into the spine too, but couldn't see Radulf. He should have been there already, but wherever he was, it wasn't out in front watching me.
The man at my left called my name. "You can always forfeit, you know. There's still time."
"Why would you suggest that?" I asked. "Are you frightened of me?"
"No." But his tone hinted otherwise.
I wasn't looking at him, but I said, "Perhaps you are the one who should forfeit. I'm going to win this race."
"What about the girl? Did you forget about her?"
I smiled over at him. "Aurelia? No, I never forget about her." Which were the truest words I had ever spoken.
And with that, we had completed the procession. Normally, the soldiers should've ridden off at once, but this time, they remained in their places. And then from the spine, I heard a familiar voice. Radulf.
"Citizens and friends," he called out. "Give me your attention!"
The audience quieted so they could hear him. I certainly could, though my heart was pounding in anticipation of what trick he might try next. If he had been sincere before, in the feelings he had so awkwardly tried to express, he might've come to think of me as a true grandson. After all, he and I had gone through a great deal together, more than I had ever thought possible within such a short time. The battles he and I had fought against each other were easy to comprehend, but I didn't know how to deal with an enemy who wanted my affection. Or maybe we weren't enemies anymore. I genuinely didn't know how to think about my grandfather.
But as it turned out, the announcement was not about me, or even for me.
Once Radulf had the ears of the people, he said, "I have terrible news, something that is unwelcome and untimely on this great morning. As you all know, nearly three months ago, Emperor Tacitus was killed on his way to battle in Gaul."