Aurelia released me and stepped back. Even the small distance between us felt too far apart now, but nothing I could do would change that.
Aurelia shook her head and looked toward Crispus. "He just lost his father, and his mother will be devastated. Crispus will be expected to immediately begin his apprenticeship with the Senate, and to manage what's left of his father's lands. Livia might want me there, but I'm needed here. I need to stay with Crispus."
A knot formed in my gut, and my tone sounded too bitter considering how much he had lost today. "Crispus has servants to help him."
"Yes, but what he needs are friends," she said. "I'll stay here until his father's burial is over. And I'll be there when you race, as your friend too." She licked her lips. "I'll be there at the end, to celebrate when you claim your victory. Your freedom."
I nodded at her as she started to walk away. Perhaps if I did win my life back, I would be in a position to offer her a bargain of my own.
Once Aurelia and I had finished talking, she and Crispus left to break the terrible news to Crispus's mother. I felt for their family and wished things could've happened differently tonight. I wished everything could be different than it was, in fact. And though the knot in my gut was as tight as ever at seeing her leave with him, I knew Aurelia cared about me too.
Livia came to my side as we walked toward the road back to Radulf's home. She took my arm in hers and gave it a squeeze.
"I haven't seen you race," she said. "But I don't need to. I know you, and that's enough to tell me that you will win."
"I'll do my best," I said.
"No, Nic. You must win. There really is no choice now."
Her nails dug into my flesh, communicating the fear she was trying to hide. But she didn't need to be afraid. I had a plan to ensure my victory, and I would give her the details once we had a chance to be alone. But only her.
Callistus walked along beside her, which was no surprise. He obeyed me, but he was drawn to Livia. As all good things were.
At least three separate times as we walked along the outskirts of the city, I started to tell Livia about having seen our mother. Back in the sewers, when she found out that I'd had the quick glimpse of our mother in the circus, she was clearly frustrated with me for not telling her. I knew she would want to know now that Mother and I had spoken. That our mother was concerned for Livia's safety and had expressed her love for us.
But Mother had also begged me not to bargain with Brutus, and I had. Mother wanted me to take Livia away from Rome, leaving her behind, which I refused to do.
And if I told Livia about our mother, I'd have to tell her everything. I didn't want her to feel divided about the right choices for us. She shouldn't have to feel the same burn in her chest, warning that what I'd just done might be a big mistake.
Because the longer we walked, the more I wondered if I had done the right thing in making the bargain. Livia was right: There was no choice now but to win the race. Losing it would cost me everything.
On the third time that I started to tell Livia, Radulf began walking beside us, and I clamped my mouth shut. Maybe he knew that I'd spoken with my mother -- I wasn't sure if he could sense that through the Divine Star -- but if he didn't know, I certainly wouldn't tell him. And I was still keeping myself more than an arm's reach from him. I didn't trust him and understood that I deserved his trust even less. But since I had the bulla, and had just threatened to use it to destroy his life's ambition, I figured I had more reasons than he did to keep my distance.
Radulf glanced sideways at me. "If you thought it was risky to trick Brutus with a fake Malice, then explain how this is a better idea."
I thought about what Valerius had said, that Brutus would sense the absence of magic in a fake Malice. But that still didn't mean this was a better idea. So I only shrugged. My bargain with Brutus was beginning to feel like a terrible mistake.
"Would you really have destroyed the Malice?" he asked. "If Brutus hadn't agreed to your offer?"
"I still intend to destroy it," I said. "Even if it means destroying the bulla too."
"You'd be right in the middle of that explosion," Radulf said. "It would kill you."
"Creating a Jupiter Stone probably will too," I said. "So at least I'll have some say in the reason for my death."
"Maybe it won't," Radulf said. "Your father didn't have the amulets when he attempted to create the Stone. Maybe the amulets will protect you."
Maybe not. I tended to believe that the creation of a Jupiter Stone was meant to kill whoever attempts it, with or without any amulets. It was the gods' way of protecting their magic.
"Besides," Radulf added, "once you feel the magic of the Malice, you won't want to destroy it. You'll never want to give it away."
"I'll be killed for having it." I eyed Radulf. "Or worse."
"Can we please talk about anything else?" Livia released my arm and stood back. "You talk about your death as if it's some theory, some idea that has no consequences. It would be a real thing, Nic, and then I'd lose you. I'd be alone." Her voice let out a small squeak. "What would happen to me then?"
Radulf stepped up beside her and spoke as gently as I'd ever heard him before. "You are my granddaughter and under my protection forever. Whatever happens to Nic, you will be safe. You will never again live in slavery, never again have to suffer or wonder where your next meal will come from."
"Don't think for a minute that my worries have anything to do with my next meal or a life of comfort!" she said, the closest thing to anger that I'd ever heard from her. "I care about my brother. You must help him win that race!"