Fear? No, it was bigger than that. Only three nights ago, he had proclaimed his hatred for me. Could that have changed so fast? He was still under oath to the Coracks, and sworn to kill anyone in my bloodline. Fear was the smallest description of what I felt.
His fingers reached my hair, pushing and twisting through the strands. He moved his thumb to trace across my cheek softly, dizzyingly. "You trust me, and you don't. You believe in my purpose, but not in my leader. You believe in me, but--"
"I do believe in you, Simon. I believe in your heart and your passion. I know who you are, and who you are meant to be, and I believe in you to become that person. But I need you to believe in me too."
Somehow, for as good as that had sounded in my head, it had been the wrong thing to say. His tone cooled as he whispered, "Where is the Olden Blade, Kes?"
I pressed my lips together, staring at him just as intently, but making my refusal clear.
"I'm not asking for Tenger's sake, or Trina's. This is just between you and me."
"And your oath to the Coracks. Correct?"
His eyes flashed and the warmth between us frosted. He said, "If it's the only way to save you, yes, I'll honor my oath. This secret is far too dangerous."
"I'll take that risk."
"Not alone, for your own sake. You need my help!"
"It's none of your concern what I do!"
"Maybe I want it to be my concern! I want you to be my concern!" He cursed and released me entirely, mumbling something beneath his breath.
To have been so near him and then so suddenly apart took the air from my lungs, a cruel suffocation. When I could, I whispered, "If you have something to say, then say it."
At first he wouldn't look at me, or couldn't bear to. But slowly his eyes met mine, exposing a pain in him that I hadn't seen before. Or reflecting something he saw in me. With our eyes locked, his breaths came faster and deeper. So did mine.
After what seemed like hours, he said, "You are ripping at my heart, Kes. Every time I reach out and you pull back. Every time you offer a smile to someone who's not me. When you doubt me, or mistrust me, or hide your secrets away, it's like a claw that shreds me from within. When we're together, I forget how to breathe, but when we're apart, I realize you've become my air. I want you to take a risk, but take it with me. Risk yourself with me."
"Simon, you know who I--"
"I do know, and I'm telling you that I don't care. If you can't cross this bridge between us, or you won't, then tell me now and let me tear you from my soul. But don't hold me in this awful middle place where I can't get closer and I can't get away from you."
His words pierced me. I felt them more than I heard them, like a shiver up my spine, or a pounding in my chest. When he went silent, all I could think was that my next move would change everything.
I touched a stray lock of his hair, folding it back into place, then slid a finger down the side of his face. My eyes met his again, communicating what I wanted. Immediately, his hands reached for me, wrapping a
round my back and pulling me to him, bringing his lips to mine. This wasn't the cautious, stale moment such as Basil had offered in his embrace. This first kiss with Simon was like a wave, compelled to reach land, each brush of his lips tumbling into the next, asking for more.
His kiss ignited emotions in me I'd never known could exist. Thoughts emptied from my mind until all that remained was the feel of his lips, the press of his hands, and the beat of my heart, pulsing for him, aching for more of him.
I held on to each second as if nothing so perfect could possibly continue, but then there was another kiss, another rise in the flood of my emotions, another surrender to him. With every touch, I belonged more to him, and him to me.
Our growing passion communicated everything he wanted. A land free of Endrick's rule, a place of peace where nothing existed but him and me. And a future for the two of us, together. He wanted that, and he believed getting the Olden Blade into the right hands was the way to achieve it. As I came toward him for another kiss, I realized that was all I wanted too.
It was ... until it wasn't. Until I remembered Darrow and what would be necessary to gain his freedom. Until I remembered that there would have to come a time when Simon went one way, and I went the other. Until this moment had to end, far sooner than I wanted.
It took all my strength to force myself away from him, and when I did, he sat up as well, sensing that something was wrong.
"Kes ..."
I shook my head. "If it were only my life at stake, then I would take the risk, but I will not obligate you to the same. That's not fair."
Simon took my hand in his. "Your life is in danger, more than ever before. If you'd tell me where--"
"--where the Olden Blade is?" My tone sharpened. "Is that why you kissed me? To weaken my defenses?"
"I kissed you because I'm falling so fast for you that I expect at any second to crash into a reality where you're not here. And you won't be, if you won't tell me where the dagger is. This secret could get you killed."