Yet, I knew that I was going to touch the Blade anyway. I had to test the truth about myself.
I had to know.
Almost not daring to breathe, I stretched out my right hand, hesitating only a moment before I wrapped it around the handle.
It wasn't cool to the touch, as I had expected. Instead, the metal was warm and seemed to pulse from deeper within. Endrick's magic. I felt it, I was part of it.
And then I was attacked by it.
The magic seized my whole arm, locking the joints of my fingers so that I couldn't release the handle, no matter how hard I tried. Pain burst from my palm, flared up my arm, and across my shoulders. I let out a gasp, though I could not let myself be heard, not here, not now. Especially not now.
Instinctively, I understood that if the magic reached my heart, I was finished. It was searing through every nerve, every vein, working its way through me.
Finally, I forced my left hand over the right and pried the fingers apart, fighting to let the dagger go. After an exhausting effort, it fell to the ground again, back onto the burlap, as quietly as if nothing had ever happened.
I pressed my injured hand to my chest, leaving it there until the worst of the pain passed and my breaths came more steadily. As awful as that had been, I was lucky it hadn't killed me. If I had continued to hold it, surely I would be dead by now.
I was not the Infidante.
But I was alive.
And at least I knew. Maybe that was a relief. Nothing in me wanted the Infidante's burden.
Maybe it was a disappointment too. Was I meant for no purpose greater than myself?
When I felt steadier, I folded the blade back into the burlap, though I couldn't use my injured hand to tie the twine. That had to be good enough. I would ask Gerald to tie it later.
It was the least I'd have to ask of him. Gerald was my last chance to get the Blade out of Woodcourt. While sitting in that security carriage with Tenger, I had made a plan. I had to stick to it.
By now, Gerald would have waited for me long enough. And with my understanding of how dangerous the Blade truly was, I hoped we were both up to the enormous task that still lay ahead.
My gut was in knots. Kestra's meeting with her father had gone on too long. After what she had done to get sent to the dungeons, I had expected it would take a while to get herself out. But too much time had passed. Had she angered her father again, or Lord Endrick? Or somehow gotten herself into worse trouble? She was perfectly capable of that.
My fears deepened when Gerald turned the corner without her. He was practically wringing his hands into shreds and his eyes fixed on me so suddenly, I realized this was no accidental meeting.
"Where is she?" I asked.
"Coming soon, I hope." Gerald glanced around us. "Until her father sends different orders, she must remain in her room."
"What did she do?"
Gerald frowned. "Dallisors always get the last word, and she's as bullheaded as the worst of them. Lady Kestra will not be allowed to defy Lord Endrick."
"Will you wait here too?" Maybe it wasn't wise to offer, but Gerald seemed to understand things about Kestra that I didn't. Things I was sure I ought to know.
"I cannot." Gerald's foot began tapping, as if he was anxious to leave. "But will you promise to take care of her? Kestra needs a protector now more than ever before."
I licked my lips. Why was he speaking in such coded terms? Why was he in such a hurry?
We waited for a servant to pass, then I gave Gerald my answer. "I swear on my life to protect her."
He stared back at me. At first I thought he doubted the sincerity of my promise, but then the corners of his eyes creased. He asked, "Do you love her?"
Such a simple question, yet it felt like a minefield, one I was hesitant to walk, and Kestra certainly wouldn't go there. Not yet.
By now, I'd stumbled too long for an answer. Gerald stepped closer, whispering, "I know what you're hiding, my boy. Protect her, but do not give her your heart. That is too dangerous for you both." Before I could object, he hurried away, back from the direction he had come.
If I'd been anxious before, Gerald's visit only made things worse. It took another fifteen agonizing minutes before Kestra finally came around the corner, her face grim and focused, her fists clenching her skirts tight enough to rip holes in the fabric. I didn't know whether to be angry with her or simply relieved, but I took her arm and pulled her against the wall. "What have you done? Why were you--"