He nodded solemnly, and white-hot emotions shot through me, burning brighter with each new revelation. Everything became clear now.
Why Tenger believed the Blue Caves could help me. Who my real mother must have been. How I could be the Infidante.
How had I missed this before?
Simon took my hand, but I yanked it away and pushed past him. “Did you know? Did you know that I’m Endrean? That I share his blood?”
He followed me without flinching. “Half Endrean, and yes, I do know.”
“Does Endrick know too?”
“He believes that he killed every Endrean in his rise to power, so it’s possible he doesn’t. But maybe he’s waiting to see, because if you have magic and he kills you, he can take your powers.”
“If I’m half Endrean, maybe I can’t get magic.”
“Maybe not.” He took my hand again and this time I turned back to him. “You might get magic, you might get your memories back, and you might”—with his other hand, he touched the necklace—“you might be able to rid yourself of this. But the price of the answer is high.”
“The caves might save my life.”
“Or destroy it.” Simon shook his head. “Magic sells itself as a solution to problems, but it becomes a parasite, feeding on its host until every trace of good is gone.”
“I can resist that, I’m strong—”
“Yes, you are. So imagine how dangerous you will become if it corrupts you.”
“What if it’s the only way I can return to who I was, this girl in your sketchbook, whom you speak of in nearly every sentence you utter, this girl you wanted to kiss earlier today? If I don’t go into the caves, I’ll never … we’ll never …” I took a deep breath. “Whatever you and I were before, we’ll never get that back.”
“And what if you claim your magic? Do you think we’ll be free to be together, that it’ll be the end of our troubles? Kes, if you have magic, how can there ever be any future for us?”
“There can’t.” I hated hearing the words empty from my mouth, but they had to be said. “This is where we end. Saving my life with magic will destroy us. If I refuse magic to save us, Endrick will destroy me.”
Simon stepped closer and now the sadness in his eyes reflected what surely was in mine. “Let’s worry about the future when it comes. We are here tonight. Can this be enough?”
I drew in a sharp breath, trying to hold in my emotions and failing miserably at it. It didn’t help when he closed the gap between us, his hands running up my arms, awakening new emotions within me.
“Let’s start again,” he said. “Tell me something that you remember.”
I searched for a memory I trusted, desperate to prove that my mind could overcome Endrick’s magic. “I have some memories. Random pieces, here and there. Scattered fragments of a puzzle, and no idea how to put them together.”
“Do you remember anything of us?”
A chill went up my spine. “The way you’re holding me now. We’ve been here before.”
“Yes.” Something in his expression set my heart pounding. Why did he look at me like that, as if I were all that existed, as if we’d known each other forever and were only just meeting?
With his eyes trained directly on mine, he said, “I know you in ways you no longer know yourself. You’re my first thought when I wake and you follow me into my dreams each night.”
I shook my head, a pathetic attempt to calm the flutters in my stomach. “You’re just saying that. It isn’t true.”
He drew a line up my jaw with his finger. “I know the very place where this bone curves.” Now he cupped my cheek in his palm. “The brown in your eyes warms in the sunlight, bringing out tiny flecks of green. And when you’re angry, your right brow presses lower than your left.”
I knew I should back away, but I didn’t. The stroking of his thumb along my cheekbone kept me locked in place, caught in his arms, wondering what would happen if I stayed, if I risked letting myself be with him.
“This is dangerous,” I said. “We shouldn’t dream of the impossible.”
He kissed my cheek, softly, like a whisper against the skin. “Something only becomes possible when you dare to dream of it.”
“I poisoned you!”