Such as my promise to Aurelia that I would survive? Or my promise never to make a Jupiter Stone? Did he know what the vestalis had asked of me, and my refusal?
"I know what she asked of you." This was Atroxia's voice in my head. "What good is the forgiveness of the empire if I must bear the anger of one of its gods?"
I understood Diana's anger too. I had felt it and fought it and tried in every way I could to defeat it. But even the Malice could not grant me victory over her.
"Victory means you end the Praetor War," Atroxia said. "Only you can do it."
At the highest possible price.
"Did you hear me, Nic?" Crispus asked. "I told you that we'd wait and see whether you destroyed this tunic too? I'm thinking about buying them for you ten at a time."
"What if I promise not to destroy this tunic today?" I asked.
"Even then, I'm not sure you will succeed." His laugh seemed as false as his smile had been. "I'm sorry about what happened back there with those men. You didn't deserve that."
"Yes, I did. We both know that." I put the tunic over my head and began belting it. When I'd finished, I checked again to be sure the rock was still with me. "We'd better get back to your home. Aurelia will be waiting for us there."
Considering how turbulent the past two days had been, the dinner at Crispus's home was remarkably unremarkable. None of us wanted to talk about the trial or any of the events surrounding it, and we all knew I would lie if they asked what the vestalis had wanted when she spoke to me alone. So there was no point in bringing that up.
"I've ordered another wagon for morning," Crispus announced. "Livia and Radulf have a good start on us, but with his injuries, they're probably traveling more slowly than usual. We should be able to catch up with them before they leave the empire."
"Are all of us going this time?" his mother asked.
"Yes," Crispus said. "All of us."
Aurelia was looking at me, so I looked anywhere else. She wanted a confirmation that I would join them tomorrow, and of course, that was impossible. Crispus didn't notice. He only said something about being relieved to finally go, and then instructed everyone to get their bags packed by morning.
I excused myself before the final meal course, complaining of exhaustion. That was true enough, but it wasn't the reason I left early. If I had been taught any manners when I was younger, then it would've been unpardonable for me to leave so abruptly. As it was, my ignorance of proper behavior served me tonight. Because if I did not leave now, before the end of the night Aurelia would surely corner me and ask the questions I could not answer. She had to be avoided.
She stood as I moved to leave the room. "Can we talk?" It was a demand, not a question.
"Can it wait until morning?" I casually replied. "Once we're in the wagon together?"
"It cannot wait," she said very deliberately. "And you know why it cannot." She knew everything, then, perhaps even more than I had yet admitted to myself.
I glanced at Crispus, who shrugged back at me, silently confessing that he had told Aurelia what had happened at the baths. I couldn't blame him for that. With enough pestering, Aurelia would've eventually gotten the truth out of him, just as she would get it out of me if we were alone together.
So I only faked a smile and shook off her concerns. "Well, it must wait. The last couple of days haven't been my best ever, and I'm tired. Tomorrow."
There was nothing more Aurelia could do, although I suspected she was considering whether to follow me toward my room and force me to talk to her. I hoped she wouldn't. I'd feel ridiculous running away from her while trying to think of an excuse for why I was doing so. But that was my plan if she tried to come.
She didn't. And as I thought about that in my room, a part of me was disappointed. Not because I wanted to run away from her, but because I liked the idea of her wanting to speak with me enough that she would go to that much trouble. How ridiculous it was to think this way, childish behavior at best, but I didn't know what else to do. The more complicated my feelings became about Aurelia, the more difficult it was to understand my thoughts and actions too. The Mistress said I did not understand what it was to love. The more I recognized how intense my love was for Aurelia, the more I had to agree with her. There was so much still to learn.
Soon after arriving at Crispus's home that evening, I had borrowed a wax tablet from his tablinum. It had taken me most of the supper to figure out how to say what I wanted, and even as I etched the letters into the tablet, I knew it wasn't coming out the right way. I was grateful Radulf had taken the trouble to teach me some basic writing skills. If he hadn't, my only choice would've been to speak these words aloud, and the way I felt now, I didn't know if I could.
The tablet wasn't large, leaving me only enough room to write what absolutely was the most important. I didn't address the note to anyone -- it would obviously
be for Aurelia.
When I finished, the note simply read, "If you love me back, you will go to Britannia. Do not look for me."
I stared at the tablet for a long time, considering the effect my words might have. Nothing would make Aurelia agree with my decision, but I figured this had as good a chance as anything to make her do what I wanted and leave with Crispus in the morning. The only thing that truly bothered me was that I would never really know her reaction to my note. Would she be sad? Angry? Understanding? I could live with every possible reaction, except one. I didn't want her last thoughts upon leaving to be regret at having known me.
Though I figured, if anything, that's exactly how she would feel.
Once I was sure everyone had gone to sleep, I left the tablet on my bed to be found in the morning. The carriage would arrive early, and someone would come to my room to see why I had missed the morning meal. By then it would be too late. I would've disappeared already, and no one would have any idea of where to begin searching for me.
Out in the quiet atrium, I had a last-minute thought to bring some food. Whatever awaited me from this point forward, I liked the idea of having something to eat as part of that journey.