Shed never lost hope. Shed lived her life believing in the power of hope, and faith, leavened with good, hard work. Even when the sickness had eaten away her beauty, had whittled her down to brittle bones shed had hope.
For him, Jordan thought now. Shed had hope for him, believed in him, and had loved him without qualification.
He crouched down to lay the flowers on her grave.
“I miss you, Mom. I miss talking to you, and hearing you laugh. I miss seeing that look in your eye that told me I was in trouble. And even when I was, you were there for me. You were always there for me.”
He stared at the words on the stone. It looked so formal. Shed always been Sue. Simple, straightforward Sue.
“I know youre not in there. This sort of thing, its just a way of letting other people know you were around, that you were loved. Sometimes I feel you, and its such a strong feeling its as if I could turn around and there youd be. You always believed in stuff like that, in the possibilities of what we are.”
He rose, slid his hands into his pockets. “Im wondering what the hell I am. Ive screwed up. Not everything, just one vital thing. Ive got the one thing I always wanted, and I lost the one thing I didnt know I always needed. Id say maybe its cosmic justice. Maybe you just cant have it all. But youd give me that look.”
He gazed out toward the hills shed always loved, and the way the sky held a strong blue over the flame of the trees. “I dont know if I can fix it. Fact is, I dont know if I should even try.”
He closed his eyes a moment. “It hurts to be here. I guess its supposed to.” He touched his fingers to his lips, then pressed his fingers to the stone. “I love you. Ill come back.”
He turned, and stopped when he saw Dana standing on the edge of the access road, watching him.
He looked so sad, she thought. More than that, it was as if the sorrow had stripped away his defenses and left the emotions behind them open and raw. It was painful to see him this vulnerable, to understand that they both knew shed caught him unguarded in a moment meant to be private.
No longer sure what she would say, could say, she walked across the grass to stand with him by his mothers grave.
“Im sorry. I didnt want to… disturb you,” she began. “Thats why I was waiting over there.”
“Its all right.”
She looked down at the grave, the fresh flowers spread over the grass. Perhaps she did know what to say. “Flynn and I come here once a year.” She cleared her throat. “His father, my mother… and yours. We, ah, try to come right after the first real snowfall. Everythings so peaceful and white and clean. We bring her flowers.”
She shifted her gaze from the flowers and saw he was staring at her. “I thought youd like to know we always bring her flowers when we come.”
He didnt speak, but his eyes said everything. Then he simply lowered his forehead to hers.
They stood like that, silent, while the wind whipped around them and fluttered the petals of the pink carnations.
“Thanks.” He straightened slowly, as if he were afraid something in him might break. “Thank you.”
She nodded, and they stood, silent again, looking out at the hills.
“This is the first time Ive been out here since Ive been back,” he told her. “I never know what Im supposed to do-in a place like this.”
“You did it. Carnations are nice. Simple.” He let out a little laugh. “Yeah, that was my thought. Why are you here, Dana?”
“I had things to say to you, that maybe I didnt say the right way this morning.” “If its along the lines of we can still
be friends, maybe you could wait a couple of days on that.”
“Not exactly. I dont know if this is the appropriate time or place to talk about this,” she began, “but after Malory finished reaming me out this morning, Idecidedshe had a few points, and that I owed you—myself—I owed both of us something better than the way I ended things.”
“I hurt you. I could see it on your face. I dont want to hurt you, Dana.”
“Too late for that.” She lifted her shoulders, let them fall. “You were careless with me, Jordan. You were careless and you were callous. And though I might have spent some happy hours over the years dreaming about paying you back in kind, I realize thats not really what I want. So my being careless and callous with you this morning wasnt any more satisfying for me than it was for you.”
“Why did you do it?”
“I went back last night, courtesy of Kane.” She frowned up at his pithy comment. “I dont think you should use that sort of language over your mothers grave.”
For some reason, the remark loosened a knot in his belly. “Shes heard it before.”