"It's not your sister," Harold said, "though I must say it's been nice to eat real human food after all this time. I've eaten so much of her food, it's really surprised her. She says I've never been as nice to her as I have this week."
Elliot groaned and Harold continued, "But, no, the girl I love is that beautiful human Cami Wortson."
For a moment, Elliot's brain went numb. He thought his heart had just stopped beating and that he'd faint and fall back into the gripping mud and sink to the center of the earth. And that would be fine, because not him or anyone who looked like him was ever supposed to even like Cami, much less claim to love
her!
"No," he finally said. "No, you can't love her, because she's out to destroy my life. Which means as long as you look like me, she's out to destroy your life too. And if she finds out that you like her, she'll use that as a weapon that may or may not involve her reaching down your throat and ripping out your guts and feeding them to a crocodile!"
Harold sat up on his elbows. "That seems a little extreme for the love of my life."
Elliot shuddered. "Cami Wortson is not the love of your life. You'd have an easier time loving a toad. Trust me."
"And she has a nice smile," Harold said. "I don't think toads can smile."
Elliot had to give him that. He'd never seen a toad smile either. "Okay, listen," he said. "I have to let go of your ear now, because this is getting really weird. But don't try to change into anything that's going to kill me, because Patches will just zap your energy again."
"I can really only do that once," Patches whispered to Elliot, but he shushed her and hoped Harold hadn't heard.
Harold sat up. "I won't change into anything that can kill you. But I can't let you return to the surface again either. I've decided to remain as you for the rest of your life."
Elliot shook his head. "No."
"Why not? For your information, I've been a very good Elliot Penster. I'm probably better at it than you are."
"You can't be me, because nobody else knows the combination to my piggy bank. I've got my whole life's savings in there, and you'll never get it, because you don't know the combination."
"I broke the safe with a hammer and used the money to buy Cami some flowers," Harold said.
"Oh." That had been Elliot's best argument. "But did you have to buy flowers? Why didn't you just go ahead and propose marriage?"
Harold's eyes lit up. "Do you think--"
"No!" Elliot cried. "Listen, I'm not going to be here much longer. I just have to get a couple of things from Kovol, and then I'm going home, so you'd better get back up there and make enemies with Cami again."
"You're going to make Kovol mad," Harold said.
"Not if I don't wake him up," Elliot said.
Harold chewed on his bottom lip for a minute and then said, "How about this? I can change into a large bird and fly you to the border of Demon Territory in just a few minutes. It'll save you days of travel."
"No, thanks," Patches said.
"Wait!" Elliot said to Patches. "I lost most of our food in the gripping mud, and I'd rather get this over with."
"You shouldn't trust a Shapeshifter," Patches said.
Elliot turned to Harold. "Are you only flying me there so that Kovol can kill me faster and then you can be me forever?"
"Yeah, pretty much," Harold said.
Elliot looked back at Patches. "See? There's no reason not to trust him. He's telling the truth."
"About wanting you gone."
"Yeah, but it's still the truth."
"Okay," Patches sighed. "Fine."