“How do you think he’s doing?” I ask.
“Do you care or are you just making conversation?”
I frown. “I care.”
“Not good. You really did a number on him.”
My shoulders deflate, weighted with guilt. “My parents are beside themselves over this. My sisters are all disappointed, telling me every chance they get what a huge mistake I’m making. My mom cried. Real tears. And my sisters clucked around like angry hens. My father hasn’t spoken to me for a week. Anyway, Grant calls or texts me at least every other day, and every time I hear his voice … it’s equal parts sad and hopeful.”
“So you ran off to New York so you wouldn’t have to deal with all of that?”
I shake my head. “Me being here has nothing to do with Grant or ending the engagement. My counterpart at the Manhattan branch wanted to trade locations until the end of the year. Her grandparents live in Mesa. We traded houses and offices. It’s temporary.”
“Grant’s under the impression that you’ll be back together once you return.”
I sip my coffee, the taste bitter on my tongue. “I know he is.”
“So there’s no chance you’ll take him back?” His attention lands on my wrist once more. A nervous twitch, perhaps?
“The likelihood of me changing my mind is … less than zero.” I shrug. “I don’t love him. Not like that. And I don’t even think I want to get married.”
He winces. “Why didn’t you just tell him ‘no’ when he proposed?”
“Because he organized this whole thing at this packed restaurant and my entire family was there. And I liked him a lot. I liked being with him. Everything was so new and exciting. And Grant’s a fun guy. You of all people should know that. And he treats me like a queen. It seemed like a safe bet at the time.”
“So you decided to tell him ‘yes’ and then play it by ear?”
I take another drink. “I’m not proud. I wish I were better at saying no to people. My twin sister always called me a sugar-coater. But she was a Band-Aid-ripper. She was brutally honest and it came natural to her. She’d tell you to your face exactly what she thought of you, and she made no apologies for it.”
“Sounds like she’d have fit in great out here.”
I snort under my breath.
“That was Kari for you.” I say, allowing myself to miss her so badly it hollows my chest for a moment. “Anyway, I really did a number on Grant. And my family, too.”
“You can’t live your life for anyone else.”
“I just hate hurting people I care about.”
“I’d be concerned if you didn’t,” he says.
“You probably know him better than anyone,” I say, “so tell me … what does everyone else see that I don’t? What am I missing here? Why does he seem so amazing, and yet walking away from him feels like a weight’s been lifted? Like I’ve averted some kind of crisis?”
Cainan starts to say something but stops, and instead gifts me with an apologetic, closed smile. My curiosity is piqued, but my respect for his quietude remains.
“I’m sorry. I’m way out of line here. You’re his best friend. I shouldn’t put you in the middle of this.” I wave my hand. “You’re just really easy to talk to.”
He rests an elbow on the table, his hand wrapped around a navy mug as he drinks me in. My heart forgets to beat again when our eyes lock. In this light, his hazel eyes are almost entirely golden with the tiniest flecks of brown. Mesmerizing, hypnotic. And in a way I can’t explain, they almost feel like home.
“You sugarcoat because you think softening the blow can control the outcome,” he breaks his silence. “But we can’t control other people’s feelings or reactions. We can’t control anything beyond our own reactions. The sooner we accept that, the easier it gets.”
“Wow. That’s … deep.” I attempt to downplay how impressed I am with his sage advice.
Grant and I never had conversations that dug beyond the surface. He’s easy to talk to, but his topics are shallow and safe. I never realized it until now. Perhaps that’s one of the components we were missing. There was no connection beyond the physical and external—the superficial. It was never intellectual. Never profound.
Never like this.
There’s a depth to Cainan, a rare quality this day and age. He’s an old soul. Classic and reserved yet as strong as corded steel. I imagine many people mistake his aloofness for cold-heartedness.
“You won’t believe how many divorcing couples try to sugarcoat the hard truths because they feel guilty and don’t want to hurt their partner even more than they already have. Nine times out of ten, it only makes things worse.”
“Let me ask you this … if you don’t believe we can control anything besides our reactions, what made you want to become an attorney?”