She wouldn’t have let me that close if she was awake, and I didn’t feel one ounce of shame for taking what I could.
“What time is it?” she asked sleepily, before stiffening where she lay.
“Goin’ on t’ree. We need to leave,” I answered, the words like invisible razorblades in my mouth.
It felt wrong to leave her. All of it felt wrong. I couldn’t tell if it was just because I hated to be away from her or if my instincts were trying to tell me something. The anxiety was making me sweat.
“Is she awake?” my mum asked as she climbed out of bed, her tone a clear indication of which “she” she was referring to.
“Not yet.”
“Better go wake her.”
I nodded, but couldn’t force myself away from Amy’s curled up form. It felt wrong. My head was screaming at me to do something, but I didn’t know what. Christ, I felt like I was being torn in two.
Amy scooted to the edge of the bed, and I had to take a step back so she could climb out from under the blankets. When she got to her feet, she mumbled something about getting dressed and grabbed a stack of clothes off my mum’s dresser before moving around me and walking into the bathroom.
I brushed my hair away from my face and followed her out of the room. I needed to get moving. The ship we were riding on wouldn’t wait because I hadn’t given Moira enough time to get ready.
“Hey, wake up,” I said gently, reaching out to gently shake Moira’s shoulder. “It’s time to go.”
I’d explained our plan the day before on one of the rare occasions that Moira had been awake to discuss it. She seemed to sleep a hell of a lot, but Doc assured me that it was normal. Between the pregnancy and the beating she’d taken, she needed the extra rest. So far the baby had held fast, and after the first twenty-four hours I’d begun to feel a mixture of relief and… I couldn’t say it was disappointment. That wasn’t right.
I would never be glad for my child to die, no matter how it was conceived. However, when she’d continued on with no sign of a miscarriage, I’d finally realized that there was no turning back. This woman who had seemed so nice and smart and beautiful when I’d first met her was actually going to have my child… and I didn’t love her. Not even the slightest bit.
And the woman that I loved more than life would not give me my first child the way we’d dreamed.
“Patrick?” Moira answered as I continued to pat and shake her shoulder. “Is it time to go?”
“Soon,” I answered, looking over her bruised face as I turned on the light. “How are ye feelin’?”
“Like absolute garbage,” she whispered, rolling onto her side before gingerly pushing herself up. “I’m so sorry for all of dis, Patrick. I didn’t know ye were married or I wouldn’t have come.”
“Not yer fault,” I reassured her, dropping down to sit on the edge of the bed. “I wasn’t married when I met ye. Hadn’t even proposed yet.”
“Ye work fast.”
“I would’ve married her de day I proposed.”
“What are we goin’ to do?”
“I’ve no idea.” I rubbed my hands over my tired eyes. “Let’s get to Oregon, we can sort it all out den.”
I didn’t realize how close we were sitting or how it would look, until I heard my wife clear her throat from the doorway.
“I just forgot a sweatshirt,” Amy mumbled, averting her eyes as she walked into the room.
I jumped from my spot on the bed, but the damage was done. She didn’t look at me once as she pulled her clothing out of our half-empty dresser drawer. Her hands were shaking, but she ignored us as we watched her shuffle through her things until she found what she was looking for.
I’d already packed my things into a duffel that rested at the end of the bed, and as she walked back out of the room, I picked it up and slung it over my shoulder to follow her.
“I brought ye de t’ings ye asked for,” I told Moira, who was looking at me in apology. “We’ll have to buy ye some new clothes once we get where we’re goin.’ Ye’ll not fit in dose for much longer.” I gestured to the bag by the door.
“T’ank ye,” she whispered. I nodded once and tried to smile, but I was sure it looked more like a grimace.
When it was finally time for us to go, my entire body was tight with tension. A part of me wanted to tell Amy to pack a bag—that she’d be going with us. But I couldn’t leave my mum alone, no matter how much I wanted Amy with me.
She was across the room with Vera and they were hugging each other goodbye with low promises to see one another soon. I was glad that she’d made such a good friend, and even more glad that her new friend would be in Oregon with us as we tried to settle in.
“I’ll walk Moira out,” Mum said, glancing at Charlie, who was standing at the open front door. Then she turned fully to me and used both hands to pull my face down to hers. “I’ll see ye in a few days. I love ye, even when yer bein’ an eejit.” I felt a lump form in my throat as she kissed me quickly on the lips, and I pulled her into a tight hug. “It’ll all turn out in the end,” she whispered into my ear. “Ye’ll see.”
With a quick pat on my back, she let me go and led Moira, Vera and Charlie out the door, leaving me alone with Amy.
We stood awkwardly facing each other and I didn’t know how to cross the gap between us.