“You sure?”
“Yeah.” She nods and smiles, but it’s forced. I want to ask her what’s going on, but in front of everyone at a kid’s birthday party isn’t the right time or place, so instead I allow my niece to drag me to the bounce house. I spend the next few hours playing games, getting my face painted, and—against my brother’s warning that I’m going to pop it—jumping in Julia’s bounce house with her.
Giselle and I eat lunch, and after singing Happy Birthday, have cake. We watch Julia open dozens of presents. The entire time Giselle is here with me in body, but it’s clear her head is somewhere else.
After wishing Julia Happy Birthday one last time and promising Christina and my brother we’ll do dinner soon, we head home. Giselle is quiet, lost in herself. I try to think about what might’ve happened. Could all of this be simply because she’s never had a birthday party? Her birthday just passed, so I make a mental note to throw her a party next year.
We get home and Giselle excuses herself to take a shower. When she gets out, she tells me she’s going to head to bed. Normally, I would follow her, but something tells me she needs some time to sort out whatever is going on with her. So, I tell her I’m going to watch some television. She gives me a chaste kiss goodnight and heads into our room.
A few hours later, I join her and she’s fast asleep. I pull her into my arms, and she snuggles up against me, right where she belongs.
Twenty-Eight
Giselle
It’s Monday morning, and I’m beyond exhausted—mentally and physically. Watching Killian with his niece yesterday was bittersweet. He says he’s okay with us not having kids, but as I watched him, so clearly in his element at the party, I couldn’t help but think, who the hell am I to keep this man from becoming a father? But then I would try to place us in Christina’s and Dylan’s shoes, and the picture wasn’t the same. Because I’m my mother’s daughter and there’s a chance I could one day end up like her—bipolar, depressed, and as a result, emotionally and physically abusive.
After I went to bed last night, I called my sister and we talked for a while. I told her about Killian and me getting married, and she congratulated us. We talked about mom and our childhood. She told me she spoke to her girlfriend about it, and she refuses to allow our mother’s condition to affect her life. She’s determined to live life to the fullest. I wish I could adopt her outlook on the situation, but it’s hard. Addy has no desire to have kids. She wants to travel and see the world. She’s blissfully away at college, while I’m trying to figure out how to have my own life and take care of my mom when she gets out of Serenity.
I stretch my body out and find Killian’s rolled over on his side and is watching me. I know he’s concerned about my behavior yesterday and wants to ask me about it, but how do I tell the man I love, I’m scared he’s going to miss out on life’s greatest blessings like having children because of me? And I’m petrified he will one day resent me because of it.
Grabbing my cell phone, I check the time and realize I’m late. “Shit!” I hiss, jumping out of bed and running into the bathroom. “I’m late!” I yell to Killian. “How long were you staring at me while the clock was ticking away?” I run the brush quickly through my hair. He laughs a throaty laugh, and I hurl the brush at him. Of course, he catches it and laughs harder.
“I have a ten o’clock appointment!”
“I’ll drive you,” he says, joining me in the bathroom. We go about getting ready, brushing our teeth and washing our faces. We’ve only been living together for less than a week, yet it feels so much longer than that. I always thought when I moved in with a guy it would take some getting used to. Who puts their toothbrush where? Which side of the bed do we each sleep on? Do I cook and clean and he does the dishes? My parents were hardly role models for how married living should go. But with Killian, it all just fell into place so naturally. I’m not sure what it will be like once his football season starts, but at least we have some time before he’s traveling again.
We rush out the door. On the way, he insists we go through a drive-thru for breakfast and coffee. When we arrive, he shuts the car off, and we head to my office. We’re alone in the elevator on the way up. Killian cuts across the small area and cages me into the corner, his body flush against mine. He kisses me with such force and passion, my entire body shivers in pleasure.