It was only after I’d left his room that I realized he’d barely said a word the whole time. That just made me angrier. He should have had something to say. I kicked the door in my room. I punched it too, but that just hurt my fist. I’d never sleep now. I’d be up all night fuming, and fuming alone in my hotel made me feel worse.
I wondered if Jax was still up. I phoned him to check.
“Hey,” he said.
Okay, he’d been asleep. I’d woken him; I could tell from his voice.
“Jax, let’s go out and get hammered,” I said.
“Ah... Umm... okay. I’ll just be a minute.”
That might not be the smartest plan in the world, but it beat the hell out of pacing my room for hours.
We headed to a tiny, dark bar and ordered shots.
“Here’s to the heartbroken,” he said.
“I’m not heartbroken. I’m recovering.”
He laughed. “You’re slap-bang in the middle of heartbreak. You have the reek of heartbreak coming off you in fumes. Don’t deny it, Fay. The only way out is through.”
He was probably right about that, but right now, I wanted to numb all the hurt inside me. I’d thought I had something wonderful, but it’d been a stupid illusion. I had to move on. I had to drink more, and then I had to dance, because brokenhearted Fay had no place in my life.
Chapter 26
MY HEAD HAD POUNDED all day. Going out drinking with Jax had seemed like a great idea at the time, and the first couple of hours had been fun. Then I’d gotten maudlin, and I think I cried at one point. I’d been a nightmare, and I owed Jax big time for putting up with me. And this morning, nothing had changed. I felt worse, not better. Drinking was no solution.
The solution was staying in bed for as long as I could. If I slept, my head didn’t hurt, and my heart didn’t hurt, either.
At some point, I’d have to call Crow’s sister and explain things. That would be the worst. I’d not only made a mess of my own life, I’d dragged her into things as well. Even though I’d rather tell her sooner than later, I held on to some hope. He might make an attempt to contact her on his own. If he could swallow his stubborn pride, that was.
Eventually, I had to get out of bed. I showered and I dressed. We only had two more nights here in Paris. And even then, the tour didn’t stop. More cities and more shows. I had to get used to it, but hell, it hurt.
I’d survived the show last night, but I hadn’t been thinking it was just one of many. I had to put on that facade night after night.
I jumped into the elevator to go downstairs, but someone got in at the last moment. Crow. I sucked in my breath, and he started. Then we looked away from each other. I moved to get out and use the stairs instead, but the doors shut and the mechanism whirred into action. Instead, I stared ahead at the crack between those doors. I wouldn’t speak first.
This close, I could smell him, and that smell betrayed me. That was the smell of comfort and of love. Of being close to someone. My hands itched to reach for him, and my eyes strained to look at him, but that was no longer allowed. I had to be with him in this confined space and act like he was a stranger.
Could the damn elevator move any slower?
He stood in the corner, his body ramrod straight, as though he wanted to take up as little space as possible.
I sank my teeth into my lip and dug my nails into my palms, those small sensations calming the bigger mess going on inside me.
And not once on the whole ride down did he look at me or make a move to acknowledge I existed.
Maybe I’d been wrong about this whole thing. Maybe he’d only pretended to care because I’d chased after him so intently. Now he was happy to have the whole thing over and done with.
But could that be true? That glimmer in his eyes when we laughed together—he couldn’t fake that. The kisses, the touches. But then, he’d never made a move to have to sex with me. Could he have only ever wanted to be friends? The thought that I’d railroaded him into more than that made me blush with a horrible, prickly heat.
Then, just as the doors started to open, he turned, and his gaze met mine. A mere half-second, but it threw me. It threw me hard. I didn’t want this cold distance between us. I wanted to hurl myself into his arms. This coldness went against everything in my nature. The only place in this world for me was with Crow. My heart belonged to him as surely as if he stamped his name on it.