And so he did, trying to wrap his mind around the entire day. But he couldn't. All he could process was the fact of Amanda. He'd tried to push her away. She'd stayed anyway.
Now here she was, when he was raw and exposed. Shattered and confused. Basically a mess.
And all he could think was, thank God.
Chapter Eleven
Even in upstate New York, July was a bitch, and Derek wiped sweat from the back of his neck as he and Jared walked the grounds at the hospital.
In the months since Jared had tried to kill himself, Derek had made the trip at least a half-dozen times, squeezing the visits in between his increasingly busy travel schedule for work and his regular trips to Austin, which in Derek's mind had become both sacred and frustrating.
Sacred because he cherished his days with her.
Frustrating because even after a year, they were still flying under the radar. They were in a de facto relationship--any lawyer would say so--but she still refused to describe it that way. Or do anything to move it forward.
But that wasn't a problem for today.
Usually, when Derek visited Jared, they took a walk, then played some chess, then talked about something utterly mundane. Last time, they'd actually debated the lighting design in Citizen Kane, a conversation all the more interesting since Derek knew nothing about film. Neither did Jared, really, but under the circumstances, Derek didn't push that point.
In other words, their conversation to date had been safe. Dull. Even boring. And definitely not insightful.
Today, Derek had asked his friend why.
"A lot of reasons," Jared said. "Some I'd just gotten mixed up in my head. Some Dr. Crowley says I may not fully understand. But I guess the bottom line is that I couldn't figure out how to get off the damn hamster wheel. I mean, you know my life. What was the point?"
"I think you're the point," Derek said, and Jared lifted a shoulder. And, thankfully, smiled.
"Yeah, maybe so. But I've got a ways to go before I find my way back to a version of me that I want to hang out with, you know?"
"I think I do. You staying here for a while, then?"
Jared nodded. "Another three weeks. About time I put myself in the shop for maintenance, don't you think?"
Derek had to laugh, relieved that some things didn't change. "Yes. Past time. I've been worried about you."
"I know. I'm sorry about that."
"Don't be. I get it."
Jared studied him for a minute. "Do you?"
"Yeah." He frowned. "Why?"
Jared waved the question away. "Spend too much time around shrinks and you start thinking like one. I just worry about your hamster wheel, you know? May not be as rickety as mine was, but it's still spinning."
He thought of Amanda. And he thought of the unending crisscross pattern he was following over the continent, and the renovations on the motel that were stalling because he didn't have a free second to push the project forward.
He thought of all that, and he nodded. "Yeah. I know."
* * *
When Amanda got to The Fix Wednesday night, she was surprised by how crowded it was. This was the sixth of the bi-weekly Man of the Month contests--they'd kicked off in April--and each one had drawn a bigger crowd.
"Amanda!"
Amanda turned just in time to get caught up in Megan Clark's exuberant hug. A makeup artist by trade, Megan had recently begun working with Jenna, and had come up with an advertising flyer that seemed to be working.
"You know," Amanda said, "I think this may be the best night yet. Your flyers definitely upped the interest, and what's on the flyer's not too bad either. I mean, Parker? Holy hell, that man is hot." Somehow Megan had convinced Parker Manning--the Parker Manning--to enter the contest. And Amanda could only wonder what sort of bribe she'd used to make that happen.