I winced.
“That’s fucking awful.” I paused. “Sorry for my colorful language.”
She waved it away.
“My husband was a Marine. My son’s a Marine. I was a Marine,” she said. “Trust me when I say that I’m used to it.”
I finally made it to the doorway.
“She’ll be okay,” the doctor promised. “Go get yourself some coffee and a Danish. We just had Waitr deliver it.”
I sat there for two hours while I waited for her to get finished.
The nurse had come out about twenty minutes in saying that Candy had a tooth that needed a root canal. After Candy had given her permission, and I had confirmed that permission, they’d started working.
Now, an hour and forty minutes later, the nurse was leading me back to Candy.
Candy who was blinking her eyes rapidly, and I couldn’t help the small laugh that slipped free of my lips when I got my first good look at her.
She was slumped over in her chair, staring at me as I walked toward her.
“What are you doing?” I wondered curiously.
“When I blink rapidly like this, it’s like I’m in a disco.” She jerked her chin as if she was listening to something in her head.
Then she started wiggling.
“Dance with the tree.”
I blinked, looking around in confusion.
“What tree?” I wondered.
She gasped in outrage.
“You’ve never seen The Lorax?” she cried.
I had a feeling that I’d just committed the ultimate sin.
“When we have babies,” she said, sounding confident and sure that we would. “I’m going to make you sit down and watch everything with us. There won’t be one single Disney song that you won’t know by heart.”
Then she proceeded to sing every single Disney song that she knew. Starting with “Let it Go” from Frozen and ending with “You’ve Got A Friend in Me” from Toy Story.
“I cried when Bambi’s mom died,” she told me. “I also cried when your mom died. I was in my hospital room, and I cried, and cried, and cried. I was so mad that she’d never get to meet your children.”
I was sad about that, too.
But honestly, at the time, her not seeing my children hadn’t been on my mind.
Her not being there for the children that were still children was.
“I made a voodoo doll of your dad,” she informed me. “I’m not sure how that works when the man’s dead. But I made one anyway. I burned it.” She paused. “A few years ago, after I watched a Supernatural episode, I considered digging his bones up and burning them. You know, just in case.”
My lips twitched at that.
“What would you have done if you’d gotten caught?” I asked curiously.
“I would’ve lied my ass off,” she said. “And ran.”
“From the cops?” I asked.
She tried to scratch her nose, but she couldn’t quite make her finger touch her nose.
“Am I close?” she asked, an entire foot off from her nose.
In fact, she was closer to her breast than she was her nose.
I grabbed her wrist and guided her finger to her nose.
When she finally got to it with her finger, she did the weirdest sound and said, “Ohhh, I bet this is what cats feel like when you scratch them behind the ears.”
She wasn’t even scratching her nose.
She was touching it.
I moved her finger away, then took over the chore myself.
She started to purr.
Or gargle.
Or whatever the fuck it was that she was supposed to be doing.
“I want to hire you for a job,” she said. “It’s going to be long hours. You’ll have to be willing to work from sun up to sun down. And lift a hundred and forty-seven and a half pounds.” She paused. “But you’ll have to forget that I weigh a hundred and forty-seven pounds. I’m going to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement that states you can’t remember it, okay?”
I closed my eyes and would’ve laughed had she not continued.
“In fact, I think it might be safer for you to just forget it now,” she amended. “Also, when we get married, I want you to never mention my weight. Not ever. Not even when I gain fifty-seven pounds when I’m pregnant with your babies.”
“We’re moving kind of fast, aren’t we?” I challenged her.
“Maybe!” she cried out. “But it’s fucking awesome!”
The nurse came in with her discharge papers, as well as a list of things that she needed to do.
“She’s a hoot,” the nurse said. “Normally we only get the lively ones like this when we do the extractions.”
I grinned and helped Candy out of the chair.
Her legs went out from under her the moment that she stood completely.
“Whoa!” she said as I swooped down and caught her up into my arms. “That was fun! Best ride ever!”
Chuckling softly, I carried her out to my truck, all the while she petted me like one would a showroom cat.
“One day,” she said. “I want to do this when I’m old and wrinkly. Do you think your chest hair will turn white, too?”