It’s so freaking hard.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks.
“Did you feel like this about Jenny? You know, Natalie’s mom. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”
I feel like such a dork. My words are tripping over themselves.
“No. Not even close.” His voice is firm. His gaze pinning me in place. “Do you want to know why? It might take some explaining.”
My interest piques. I settle down and reach across the table. I remember when I did that before, how the hesitancy moved through me, stilling my movements, but then my man darted forward and clasped onto my hand.
Now I don’t need to hesitate.
We improve each other in tiny heavenly moments like that, moments other people wouldn’t understand.
I squeeze onto him.
“I want to understand.”
He moves his thumb over the back of my hand, nodding. “You know about what happened to my parents.”
“I’ve read the newspaper articles online,” I murmur. “And Natalie has talked a little about it. Nobody knows much though.”
His hand tightens on mine a little, as though he’s silently demanding my support. “Two bastards had heard my old man talking about how he didn’t trust banks. It was bullshit, the sort of things men discuss in bars, but these two rats took it seriously. They busted in with knives and masks, doing nasty shit, Kelly. Evil shit. To my parents. To make them give up the cash.”
My chest quivers at his words. “I’m so sorry.”
“They made me watch.” He shakes his head slowly. “They thought it’d make them talk, but there was no money. So they had nothing to make them stop.”
“Oh my God, Kaleb.” Tears prick my eyes as I imagine how it must’ve been for him, a little kid, forced to watch… “I’m so, so, so sorry that happened to you.”
“My mom was… Anyway, it was just me and my dad left. They said they were going to kill me if he didn’t talk. So he jumped at them and managed to tackle one. The other got on him pretty quick, but not before I grabbed the knife. I just… I just fucking did it…”
“Did what?” I whisper.
“I just started stabbing them. I didn’t even think about it. It was like I turned into an animal, a predator, and I was going to do anything to save my dad. But I was small and weak. I managed to get one in the back of the leg. So he fell, and my old man rolled on top of him and started choking him. But then the other leaped on his back and I… I fucking stabbed him, Kelly. Hard. As hard as I could.”
I can feel the tension moving through his arm, as though his body is remembering the force of the blow.
“But I wasn’t as strong as I thought. The knife didn’t even slow him down. When he spun on me and his elbow caught me under the damned eye, I panicked and I ran. That was what my dad wanted all along. I can see that looking back. But I felt like I had to save him. But I ran.”
I can hear the regret in his voice, deep and gruff.
“You were a kid.”
“Yeah.” He shrugs. “I know. Anyway, my dad managed to injure them. I was at the bottom of the stairs when he stumbled at the top, telling me to get help. I tried. But the men managed to recover a little bit. None of their injuries were near their organs. We’d made amateur work of it.”
“Is that why you started training?” I murmur, my whole chest ablaze in primal sympathy for him, my man.
He meets my eyes, a light in them. I can read the message of thankfulness there, as he silently tells me he’s glad I brought him out of that memory hole. It must be so horrible for him to remember all of that pain and agony, all of that visceral violence.
“Yes. I wanted to be able to dismantle any bastard whoever tried some shit like that again. I started when I was small. I was a little kid, small for my age.”
I laugh in delight at the image of a silver-haired giant being the size of a toddler. “I find that so hard to believe.”
“I mean it,” he says. “Everybody was surprised when I shot up in my teens. Anyway, I was filled with a fire ready to be stoked. Martial arts was my focus. It was all I thought about for years, and it helped me handle myself in the orphanage. It helped me stay away from the criminal bullshit the other kids were getting into. People couldn’t peer pressure me off the path, because if they did I’d choke them the fuck out.”
There’s so much tangled emotion in his voice. I know he’s talking about more than surviving at the orphanage.