Dare’s hand is on my back, comforting me. I can’t feel anything.
I step inside and sit on the bed, listening for my brother.
There’s not a sound.
I hug my knees, as wave after wave of memory comes back.
My reality hasn’t been real.
“Finn died with my mom,” I say aloud, the pain wracking my heart, my bones, my soul. I see the images in my head, flitting together to form scenes.
I watch him getting into his red car. The car we never shared because we each had our own.
“He was going to a concert, Quid Pro Quo. He started down the mountain and was on his way when I called mom. Mom crossed the centerline on her way up the mountain. She was hurrying because she was late and she hit him head-on as she came around a curve.”
I can’t take the pain.
It blinds me, deafens me, turns everything into a roar.
I can’t hear. I can’t see.
“She was going too fast,” I continue lifelessly, my memories unrolling like a movie in my head. “She was distracted because she was talking to me on the phone. I killed my mom and my brother. Finn. God.”
My head drops into my hands.
The pain is more than I ever thought it would be, more than I ever thought I could bear. Flashes of Finn rip through my mind… of when we were small. Of when we played in the ocean. Of Finn calling to me when we played hide and seek, of Finn calling to me when he was scared. And of that night, when he poked his head into the salon before he left…the last time I’d seen him alive.
See you later, Cal. Are you sure you don’t want to go?
“I didn’t go with him,” I whisper, the words cutting a path along my throat. “He was going with a friend from his Group and I didn’t go with him. Because I wanted… I wanted…you.”
I knew Dare back then.
I’ve known him for months and months. This can’t be happening. What is happening? Am I crazy? Have I lost it?
Dare holds me tight, letting me cry, trying desperately to shield me from my pain.
He can’t.
He can’t shield me from the pain anymore.
“I wanted to stay at the funeral home so that you could come meet me so we could be alone.”
My heart pounds, as I see glimpses of Dare in my head. His smile, his face, his hands. I stare at his hands now, the silver ring.
“I gave that to you for Valentine’s Day,” I remember.
He nods.
“You…me…we’ve been together for a while. We were… that night… I let my brother go to the concert alone because I wanted to be alone with you.”
God, I’m a monster.
God, I’m crazy.
I look at him. “What’s been happening to me?”
I feel dazed, confused, lost.