He’s a nice enough guy, good-looking too. Late twenties, man bun, very Chris Hemsworth-ish. Definitely a guy I would have hooked up with back when I was hooking up. And, yeah, hooking up with him would be infinitely easier than actually listening to him tell me stories from his life as a mechanic.
Guys always go dumb when sex is involved. It’s like once the actual act looms in the near future, all their intelligence drains right out their ears. And that works for me, because over the years, I’ve discovered that most men really don’t know what they’re doing in bed. Most aren’t even self-aware enough to know what they want, let alone what their partner wants.
So I learned how to get what I need and just go after it myself. I’ve had a handful of better-than-average partners, and those experiences live like jewels in my mind. I can’t seem to stop wondering what kind of lover Ben would be, but I’m guessing he’d be better than average. Judging by his sensitivity to his daughters and his compassionate patient care, I think he’d be giving, which, in my opinion, is one of the most important characteristics of any good lover. I’m guessing Ben would be one of those sparkling gems in my memory. But more and more, it’s looking like I may never know.
It’s a bittersweet revelation. I admire his commitment to his girls, but I’m disappointed with the restrictions that places on what develops between us.
In truth, the only reason I relented and came tonight was in hopes of seeing him. At the marina today, Violet mentioned she would be coming tonight. But it’s after seven, and Ben hasn’t shown, which means he probably won’t. The girls go to bed soon.
I scan the space, searching out Chloe and Laiyla. Chloe is flirting with her hot cop, Xavier Wilde, who’s not in uniform for once. I confess, I love the look of a man in uniform—what red-blooded American women doesn’t?—but it turns out he’s just as sexy in jeans and a button-down. The two have been dancing around each other since she first showed up in town, but I’m not sure they’ll ever get together. Chloe keeps turning down his offers—everything from wine tasting to just plain sex. When he finally figured out he wasn’t going to get any from Chloe, he started dating around town, and he’s never short on willing women. Unfortunately, that only hurts his chances with Chloe.
“Let’s see,” the mechanic says to me, “I’ve seen a muffler held on by a belt, a Doritos bag used as a brake light, a lawn chair used as a driver’s seat, duct tape used as a drink holder, corrugated tin used as a side panel, and, I kid you not, a skateboard used in place of a tire.”
I laugh at the appropriate cues, nod, and make sounds of interest, drink more alcohol.
Laiyla is standing with Levi in a group of small-business owners—Terri from the candy store, Charlie, a concrete guy, Shelly, a hairstylist, and a few others I don’t know.
Levi’s got his arm around her, and she’s leaning into him, her fingers threaded with his where they hang over her shoulder. God, they are so cute together, it’s hard on the eyes. Harder on the heart.
I’ve become a little obsessed with their relationship, trying to understand it. She’s wholeheartedly, happily committed to staying in this small town with him. There’s nothing wrong with this place—many call it heaven on earth—but after Laiyla’s experienced all the world has to offer in other exotic places, I can’t get my mind around the fact that she’s staying put for a guy.
Then again, I’ve never been in love. Honestly, I can’t ever see myself falling in love. The concept feels as appealing as sand in my mouth.
I try to refocus. Try to push this young, sexy, willing guy talking to me into a little fantasy in my head. Imagine how I’d put up with his talking until I got him alone, then made him forget every word in his vocabulary. Only, in my mind, once I get his shirt open, I look up and see Ben’s face, not the guy standing in front of me now. It’s Ben who lowers his head and kisses me. Ben who slides his tongue against mine. Ben’s hands on my body. Ben filling me.
I’m way the hell too far down that road before I realize it. Backtracking is painful. I force my mind off sex, glancing around the crowded room at all the happy faces, all the couples. I have the strangest feeling of having my face pressed up against the window of a life I don’t understand, yet oddly crave. A life that would kill the dreams I’ve had since I was a kid, and I’ve got my dad’s Never settle, cupcake rattling around in my brain. Which drags me right back to Ben.
But then, it seems like all my thoughts eventually lead me back to Ben. I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. The guy talking mechanics laughs at something he’s said, and I join in, praying he’ll just keep talking so I don’t have to actually engage.
I wonder if Jana was Ben’s one true love. Maybe he isn’t following through with me because he can’t face being with another woman. My father’s death was awful and heart wrenching. Even ten years later, I get misty-eyed when I think about him, and I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose the love of your life, the mother of your children. Yet, Ben handles the subject of her death with a kind of grace that’s hard to explain. Reverence, yet acceptance. And he’s managed to get a real handle on his life, his girls, his career. But maybe sex with another woman just isn’t something he can deal with yet.
I’ve always been the most together person I’ve ever known. I’ve worked hard to keep my finances secure, my heart intact, my memories good, my experiences valuable. But Ben’s got me beat by eons. I’m so damned impressed with him, he’s really knocked me on my ass. Who knew his triumphs over his hardships could be such a turn-on?
A couple of the mechanic’s friends come over, and I greet them easily, fall into conversation, effortlessly talking about nothing. I guess that’s a talent you develop when you’ve lived a third of your life with strangers.
They’re also both young and attractive, yet neither light me up any more than the mechanic.
Since Layla and Levi got engaged, my world has really tilted on its axis. Dinner with Ben and being part of that sweet family unit for even just a few hours didn’t help matters.
I’m so fucked here—at this party, in this town. Hell, in my own head. Nothing seems to fit quite right anymore. I feel like a square peg trying to force myself into a round hole. But returning to work on the cruise line doesn’t feel like any better an idea.
I return to the moment feeling empty. The phenomenon of loneliness has always puzzled me. How could I be in the middle of a crowd, my two best friends within sight, yet still feel lonely?
Neither Laiyla nor Chloe looks ready to leave and there’s no such thing as Uber or taxis in this place. I’m sure Levi would take them home. I wouldn’t even mind leaving and coming back to pick them up, but I know if I mention it, they’ll both cut their evening short and go home with me, and I already feel like enough of a wet blanket as it is.
I knew I should have driven my own truck here.
Fuck it, I’m going to walk back. It’s not that far.
I tune in to the conversation, alert for a moment to break in and excuse myself. A touch against my arm coincides with all the men’s gazes lowering. I follow their line of sight and find Violet grinning up at me.
I lied. I can imagine falling in love. But not with a man. Violet’s in a party dress, her hair done up in two fishtail braids with sparkly bows. “Oh, Violet, you look beautiful.”
I may have seen her almost every day since the first day she wandered to the dock, but the sight of
her all dressed up still squeezes my heart. And tonight, her smile definitely reminds me of her dad.
I turn toward Violet and catch sight of Ben. He’s greeting other people near the door, Jazz in one arm, Poppy holding his free hand. The girls are all dressed to the nines, right down to their patent leather Mary Janes. It must have taken him forever to get out of the house.