He clasps my wrists and breaks my hold. For all the weight he’s lost, he’s still just as strong. “Me? I’m not the one nailing the spitting image of the girl who fucked me over in high school.” He pushes my arms aside and straightens his shirt. “What is it, bro? An anger bang? A grudge fuck?”
Hell.
I haul back and stick my fist in his face.
White-hot pain slices my knuckles as Jake goes down. The room pulses in my vision, a whoosh fills my ears. Then slowly, as I blink hard, reality bleeds into focus around me. Fear grips me cold, and I turn to find Ari staring at me wide-eyed, a wrecked look marring her beautiful face.
“Let me explain—”
She holds up a trembling hand. “Don’t.” Then she shakes her head repeatedly before she turns and runs into the hallway.
Shit fuck!
Jake’s saying something. His voice stops my pursuit of her as I reach the door. But I’m not really hearing his words. I take five seconds—that’s all he gets—to say, “You better be gone by the time I get back here.”
He laughs. “You always wanted to be one of them,” he says, then spits red on the carpet. His eyes—that are just like mine—glare at me. “But you’re not. You can’t be. You’re just a piece of shit, like me. No matter how much money you make in the pros, you’ll always be the poor boy from the wrong side of town.”
“Maybe so.” I shrug. “But at least I’m not the poor boy with a chip on his shoulder.” Not anymore. For Ari, I’ll be better. I am better.
With one last, disgusted look at my brother, I say, “Get help, Jake. Don’t contact me again until you do.”
Then I leave to chase down Ari. And pray that the truth really does set you free.
25
Arian
Bile rises to the back of my throat. An ache builds in the pit of my stomach. I’m not going to make it.
I round a tree in the middle of the courtyard, my feet eating the distance to my dorm, but not quickly enough. Cramps seize my stomach with each step. I cradle one arm to my stomach as I power-walk my way through the light campus traffic.
When the harsh bite of vomit coats my mouth, I drop my pack and sprint for the corner of a building. I lose my stomach in a bush. My body trembles with each wretch, waves of chills crashing over my skin. The cold air is soothingly numbing as I quake past the dry heaves.
There wasn’t much to toss, thankfully. I had a small lunch, followed by a protein shake after my quick workout. And I was thinking of getting dinner with Ryder... That’s why I went to his dorm.
Stupid. I should’ve sent a text first.
No. What? I’m berating myself for going to my boyfriend’s room unannounced? Thoroughly disgusted, I force my back straight, look up at the darkening sky, and suck in a cleansing breath. Dizzy, I lay my forehead against the cool, rough surface of the building. Just for a second, to gain my composure.
I close my eyes.
And see Ryder’s fist connect with his brother’s face. The flash of fury that overtook his features right before. Hear that girl’s name…Alyssa. The one who Ryder obviously loved—maybe still does. The one he wishes was me.
Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven…
I look like her. He was never interested in me. Ryder’s got some sick infatuation with the girl from his past.
Six. Five. Four. Three…
Oh God, but he’s been inside me. Stared into my eyes while he made love to me—no, her eyes. I’m no one. But I already knew that, didn’t I? My sense of self—something so elusive that no amount of dieting or purging could ever fully establish—is just a trembling wisp of smoke, ready to evaporate on an unsteady breath. I thought for one moment that someone finally saw me—that Ryder completed a jagged puzzle that I’ve never been able to figure out how to put together.
Until him.
I’m no one. No one. No one.
Shit. I have to start all over. Gripping my hands in my hair, I clamp my eyes closed. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven.
“Ari!” Ryder’s voice crashes against my awareness. A tidal wave of nausea pulls me under.