“The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I’ve generously had sex with many women without expecting them to marry me.”
“That is very progressive of you. I’m not the one to make an honest man of you, Luke. I’m not even sure why you’d want me instead of someone else.”
“I’ve attempted to explain it to you previously. You’re entertaining. You make me laugh. You don’t bore me.”
“What exactly do you find boring?”
“Keto diets. Juicing. Going gluten-free. Women—well, anyone, actually, who feels the need to talk about what they will and will not eat. Also, pictures of people’s food. Food obsession of any sort is a millennial tic as far as I’m concerned.”
“Says the guy who’s probably too old to identify as millennial and gets annoyed with the young whippersnappers!” she said, “Do it, shake your fist and say ‘get off my lawn!’” She laughed.
“Fine. I’m old and grouchy. At least you’re not showing me what your cauliflower pizza crust looks like. And saying things like hashtag-goals!”
“People say hashtag? Who are these people you spend time with? My friends don’t say hashtag.”
“How old are you?”
“You totally have my HR file. It’s not like you don’t know.”
“I don’t know.”
“Fine. June 4, 1985.”
“You’re one of them. Born in the eighties.”
“What were you? Born in ‘79?”
“Yes.”
“So that makes you, what? An elder statesman? Wait—did you graduate business school with Trump?”
“Shut up and get off my lawn,” he said.
“You’re hysterical. I could kiss you,” she giggled.
“You should. You should marry me, too.”
“Nope. I’ll go out with you. Once. That’s all I’m promising.”
“Twice.”
“What?”
“Twice. I want two dates.”
“Why two?” she said.
“Because I can’t expect you to change your mind on a first date. You’ll be too intoxicated by having my undivided attention, dizzied from the sheer animal attraction—”
“I’m gonna snort, I swear,” she said, “Animal attraction? Is that the best you got?”
“Two dates.”
“Fine, I’ll go out with you twice. But that’s it. No funny business.”
“Funny business? I thought I was the elderly person in this scenario. If you start saying hanky-panky, I’m the one who is going to snort.”
“You know what I mean. I’ll have dinner with you or go to a movie. I’m not going to...”