“Never in my life have I ever been angry with you. But listening to you tonight, telling us about your decision, my blood started boiling. All I really heard was you were leaving. Nothing else registered. After all we’ve gone through, I couldn’t believe you’d do this.”
His voice is like gravel, each word chipping away at my heart
“Are you still angry?”
“A little, but it’s hard to stay that way when you’re in my arms. After your little speech, I can’t even force you to stay. This is a tremendous career opportunity for you.”
“It really is.”
“But we need to discuss the other part of it. The part about you making choices that would take you away from me without giving me a say.”
“You’re a little overprotective, and I was doing what I thought was best.”
“You don’t get to do that. I have a grip on my feelings about being a dad. I’ve been reading the book you bought me. It’s an amazing and incredible thing, bringing a life into this world. My hesitation has never been about being a father. My hesitation and regret is how it’s happening. The shame is so great sometimes, I think I’m suffocating. Then I think about what I’m asking you to do. Build a life with my illegitimate child and me, with a woman who made your life hell. A better man would let you go, keep you away from the drama and heartache, but I’m not that man.”
His admission is like a knife to my gut, and I realize he’s been drowning in this alone. His focus has been spread so thin, and I’ve been worried about my life, not ours. The realization hits me hard, and I try to think of how I can make this easier on him… on us. Maybe my leaving is a really bad idea. Besides, after what happened with Sasha this morning, he’s going to need my support close. Not three states away.
“Let me see what I can do about canceling.”
He tightens his hands on my hips and shakes his head. “No, you’ve made an obligation, and I won’t hold you back. I won’t ask you to do that.”
“I’d do anything for you.”
He looks up, and I see he wants to say something, but instead, he lays a soft kiss across my lips, moving his hands to my hair. “Promise me you’ll come home. You’ll come here, make this our house. No more apartment. No more holding back. Promise me, the minute you step back into Miami, it will be to this condo where we will move forward.”
“Okay,” I say breathlessly, wanting that more than anything.
“I’ll still worry about you. Don’t be surprised if I fly up every weekend.”
“I’d love that.”
“And I’ll have Gail arrange for movers and packers and have all your stuff here when you come home.”
“Okay,” I agree easily, feeling a little guilty about using Gail, but I’m not going to argue.
He holds me close, breathing deeply as we both stay quiet.
“I’m so sorry I made you upset,” I speak first.
“Upset is an understatement. I thought you were going to announce you asked for reassignment to another department. Imagine my surprise.”
It’s my turn to be shocked. “Why the hell would I do that?”
“Because of the way Grady’s death affected you. Because of the way each child’s death or diagnosis affects you. Maybe it was wishful thinking that you’d do it for me since I’ve been begging you for a while, even before we got together.”
“Shaw, you may be a badass, sports agent extraordinaire, but you can’t win this argument. If I ever feel it’s too much, I’ll make the decision.”
“It’s a moot point now, since I was way off base. But, so you know, if it ever gets too much, we’ll be having this conversation again. I can be very persuasive.”
I want to argue, but he’s right. He can be very persuasive, and I’d do anything for him.
I study the agenda Evie hands me and review my housing, schedule, and flip through the patient backgrounds. Nothing seems out of order except my housing.
“Furnished apartment? I thought I was in an extended stay hotel?”
“With your late decision to join, we had to make different arrangements. It’s a very nice place, and it’s within walking distance to the hospital. Not to mention, you’ll have a car service if needed.”
“I was going to drive, but that’s nice to know.”