He shrugged. “It was, but as I got older, I started realizing I was queer. I’m sure you can guess who I fell for.”
My heart dropped to my gut. I could guess, and I also knew it must not have gone well. I took over what Shaw had been doing a few minutes earlier, drawing lazy circles on his thigh, hoping he saw it as supportive. “Yeah, I can put two and two together.”
“It was a bad night. My parents were fighting like crazy, and I was so fucking tired of hearing it. I was seventeen at the time. I went next door. It was late. Richie’s parents were out of town. He suggested we get into his parents’ alcohol, and I was down. I knew it would distract me. We started drinking, and I can’t even say how it happened. One minute I was talking about my parents and Richie was supporting me. Then we were kissing, and from there I was on my knees, blowing him. He was saying my name over and over again, and all I could think was, this was it. This was what love was supposed to be, not my parents.”
Shaw paused, breathed, then covered my hand with his, brushing his thumb back and forth over my sensitive skin. It was like a lightning storm went off inside me, all these thoughts and feelings sparking fires. This, being there with him, felt good.
“He didn’t deserve you,” I told him, meaning it.
“You don’t even know him or what happened.”
“I don’t have to.” I turned my hand over, and Shaw tickled my palm with the tips of his fingers before intertwining our fingers. I was holding hands on my couch with Shaw Hastings, and there was nothing weird about it. It felt inevitable.
“We fell asleep together in his bed. I was nervous the next morning, of course. Looking back, I should have figured something wasn’t right when I was the one blowing him and he didn’t even offer to jack me off, or at least let me rub one out. I went home before he woke up. I decided I’d try and act normal, just be us, ya know? I’d call him and be chill with him and follow his lead. Only he didn’t answer my phone calls, and when Monday rolled around, he left for school before I did, when we usually rode together. He stopped talking to me after that. I tried to tell him it wouldn’t happen again, that we could pretend it never happened in the first place, but he called me a fag and told me I took advantage of him.”
Shaw turned to look at me then with this wide-eyed panic I’d never seen from him.
“I didn’t, E. Yeah, we were drinking, but I was as buzzed as him and he was saying my name and threading his fingers through my hair. He kissed me and pushed my head into his lap.”
There was a sharp pain in my chest, my heart breaking for him. “Hey, don’t. You don’t have to tell me that. I believe you.”
He visibly relaxed, shrugged. “So yeah. I’m basically a cliché. I had my heart broken and decided never to give it away again. Between Richie and my parents, I’m pretty sure love isn’t in my cards, and I guess now you can understand why I was hesitant with the whole falling for your best friend.”
Yeah, yeah, I got it, and I felt even more guilty for some of the things I said to him or ways I treated him. “It wasn’t your fault. None of it. Your parents and Richie don’t have any say over what happens for you. You’re a good man. And you know how hard that is for me to say.”
He chuckled like I hoped he would.
“I like you,” I admitted. “I don’t know how it happened. It’s kind of fucked up.”
“Right? I feel the same. But I, um…I can’t give you what you want. I can’t put my heart out there again. I don’t have it in me. Not that I think you feel the same way about me that you do Danny, but yeah. I don’t know. I can’t do it, but I don’t want to walk away either. You got under my skin, like this itch I can’t get rid of. It’s annoying as shit.”
I laughed. God, he was fun. Was there anyone in the world I laughed with more than Shaw? I didn’t think there was.
“First, you’re an annoying itch to me too. Second, I don’t think I’m in love with every guy I’ve ever been with, or dated, or whatever. It’s not like I’m sitting here waiting for you or Danny or anyone else to get down on one knee. I’m just not that guy who’s going to get on an app to find someone or meet a different guy in a bar every weekend to take home to fuck. It’s not that I’ve never done it; it’s simply not my style. I’m not into frequent hookups with random guys.”