“It kills me not to be a normal eighteen year old. I should be graduating like you are, but I was held back for missing too much school. I should start considering college, but I have no idea if…” I take a deep breath. “Who knows if college is in my future, you know? Going to class now is hard. Finding the energy for college classes, which is way more work, would probably be too difficult.”
His jaw ticks. “You don’t know that for sure. If there’s anyone who should go to college, it’s you. You love school for whatever reason, so start researching ones you’d love to check out. I don’t want to hear any of that other bullshit.”
Drawing my knees to my chest, I shake my head and meet his stern eyes. “I love that you think it’s that simple, Kaiden. It’s not though. And why are you going to Colgate instead of one of the others that made offers to you. I’m sure it’s not too late to change your mind. If they want you for their team, they’d probably make an exception if early admission is closed.”
“We’re not talking about—”
“Yes, we are,” I cut him off, reaching for his hand. He doesn’t move away like I expect him to, but weaves our fingers together instead like it’s his default mode. “I know you do just fine at school, but sports have always meant more than academics. You love lacrosse and I hear you’re amazing at it. At least that’s what the entire school seems to think.”
A grin appears on his face, washing away the seriousness from a moment ago. “And the three trophies with our school name on them don’t hurt.”
I smile at him. “Does Colgate have a better team than the other ones?”
He hesitates. “No.”
“So why choose them?”
His shoulders draw back. “Mouse—”
“If I had the chance, I’d move,” I admit, squeezing his hand. “I would see the world. I’ve always wanted to move to Virginia, did you know that? Sometimes I even go to the University of Virginia’s website and look at their campus pictures and study the program listings. I’ll pretend I’m one of the students posing while the camera snaps pictures of the quad or library. You know I’d spend a lot of time there, reading, studying, you name it.”
“Then go to Virginia.”
“And what about you?” I prod.
He doesn’t answer.
Letting go of his hand, I give him my best serious face. “Kaiden, not all of us are so lucky in life. We have to accept what we’re given. At best, I could attend school online. There’s less stress about missing class and failing because of poor attendance or not getting the notes from lectures. I wouldn’t have to worry about walking across the huge campus on days where it hurts to stand, or get trapped in a dorm with someone who doesn’t understand that I’m sick and need lots of sleep. I know what’s best for me. What will work. You need to figure out what that is for you.”
His lips part, and then close.
I brush his arm with my hand. “If you could go anywhere without anything holding you back, where would it be?”
The hopeless romantic in me wants him to say, wherever you are, but the truth is that he may not be able to go where I end up.
So, I’m thankful when he quietly answers, “Maryland.”
Christmas Day brings a fresh snowstorm that blankets everything in white. It takes Dad a little longer to get Mama and Grandma here, but when they arrive, breakfast is on the table waiting, along with homemade hot chocolate.
Without asking, Dad turns the television on to A Christmas Story, an old tradition of our own that we’ve had every year. The movie plays all day on the same channel, background noise for present opening and lunch digesting. I always fall asleep to it while a small smile tugs on my face for Ralphie and his gun.
Mama kisses my cheek before sitting down beside me to eat, even though she kept saying she wasn’t hungry. I think she feels weird being around Cam, not that Cam has shown anything other than hospitality to her. I guess I’d feel strange to seeing my ex-husband with his new family.
It was weird enough seeing my father interact with them knowing he left the very same thing behind.
But did he?
After breakfast, we make our way into the living room for presents. Kaiden and I sit beside each other on the floor, and everyone else sits on the couches and chairs. Dad passes the gifts out one by one, and after almost two hours, we’re all watching the movie and arguing over Die Hard being considered a holiday movie.
The answer is no, but of course Dad always has to differ. Even Kaiden cracks up when he hears Dad’s reasoning, which is the first time Kaiden has even smiled when Dad is involved.
Maybe Christmas miracles are a thing.
A little before mid-afternoon hits, Mama asks if she can talk to me. Dad glances between us, eyeing Mama like he’s telling her not to chicken out of the conversation.
Biting my lip, I nod and follow her into the kitchen.
“I know you were listening,” she starts, giving me a small smile. “Mother’s intuition, I suppose. Although, it’s not always the best gut instinct to go on.”