The tension in her shoulders eases a little. She straightens, and instead of huddling by the riverbank, she sits next to me, her legs tucked under her. After a few more moments, she leans over and puts her head on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry," she says. "I guess I freaked out."
"You don't like being vulnerable. I get it."
"You're right, though," Alice says reasonably. "If anyone knows their limits, it'd be you. I just…panic. You know the expression 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'? "
"No."
She snorts. "Well, it's called 'waiting for the other shoe to drop.'"
"And it's about shoes?"
"It's about feeling like something bad's about to happen, and so you're just waiting, and waiting, and waiting." She throws her hands up in the air and then smacks them against her thighs. "Sometimes I think I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop for the last three years. But it's been worse lately." She shoots me a look. "Ever since you and I got in that pod together."
"Why is it worse?" I'm curious.
Alice licks her lips and gives me a wry look. "Because I'm happy. Because I'm happy when I'm around you and I keep expecting the universe to take that away from me."
I fight the urge to squeeze her against my chest and never let her go. Kef me. She always knows just what to say to rip my heart out. "All I can promise is to do my best to love you like you deserve to be loved, Alice."
I hold my hand out to her.
She links her fingers with mine and puts our joined hands on her thigh. Gazing down at them, Alice smiles. Just a little. "I guess I can handle that."
"Because you love me, too?"
"I'm not putting that out in the universe, buddy. Let me hold something back."
I laugh, because who would have thought that I'd fall for the prickliest, least-adventurous female out there and be thrilled about it? But I am. I love this keffing woman and I can't imagine my future without her. I squeeze her hand. "So…if you're still mad about the cookies, should we toss them out?"
"No!" Alice gives me a sharp look. "You think they're still good after however long they've been here?"
"I'd say fifty years or so?"
"Fifty YEARS?"
I nod. "But the packaging is sealed. You wanna give it a shot?"
"Kef yeah, I do," she says cheerfully, and my heart skips a beat to hear her say that. Now she's cursing like me.
I'll make a mesakkah corsair out of her yet.
45
ALICE
The cookies are, in fact, the most delicious thing I've ever tasted.
Yeah, they're stale. Yeah, they're not nearly as sweet as anything on Earth. And yeah, they have an absolutely funky aftertaste that lingers long after the package is gone.
I don't care. They're as cold and crisp as he says they are. More importantly, they're food. We split the package and I devour mine, and when Kaspar gives me one of his, I know I love him more than I can possibly express. I'm just not letting the universe know that, because the universe can fuck right off.
After we eat that small amount of cookies, my stomach aches. I lie on my side in the dirt with Sterre licking my ear as I watch Kaspar make a ladder out of the ropes and tubing he threw down from the ship. His stomach isn't bothering him, and he says it's because he's more used to tabs and the like. "You just rest, Sunshine. I'll get everything fixed up for you."
What woman wouldn't fall in love with this guy? Seriously. He makes it far too easy.
I push Sterre's head aside, but she continues with her efforts to groom me, like I'm some lost kitten in need of Mommy's attention. It's getting close to dark, and I'm not relishing the thought of another night with the bugs taking bites out of my skin. I'm not about to demand that Kaspar hurry, though, because he's hard at work already. I just watch him, and whenever I gesture for some rope to help out, he reaches over and smacks my hand. "Rest."
So I do. I watch as he nimbly ties knots and loops into the long cord. I was hoping it'd be more like a regular ladder, with rungs and everything, but this makes sense. A loop for the foot to rest in as you haul yourself up the rope using the knots as handholds makes a lot more sense. And I only have to climb up once, I tell myself reasonably. After that, I can just stay the fuck up there and hide from this planet.
I had no idea I was scared of heights until Kaspar offered to carry me. It hit me like a bulldozer then, but now that I'm looking up at the ship, the heights aren't what scare me. Death is what scares me. I don't want to risk myself, and that fear is spreading to him, too—I'm not only terrified for my own safety, but his.