It's that simple, I guess. Just push a button and all your problems are solved. Adiron never needs to know.
I swallow hard, because everything about that feels wrong to me, and yet…it's a simple solution, isn't it? "I just don't know if it's safe to bring up a baby. I don't have a home. I don't have a dollar to my name. I'm completely dependent on Adiron and you guys. That frightens me."
"I understand." Fran's voice is full of sympathy. She shakes the keys again, and Jasmine makes a gurgle of excitement, her little legs dancing.
I don't know if she does understand. She seems so calm. So at ease. "Do you live somewhere else? Are you just visiting?"
Fran smiles. "No, I live here all the time. I think Kivian would die if he had to leave me and Jas behind. I might, too. We're not good at being apart."
I'm a little afraid of offending her, but fuck it. "Do you think it's wise to have a baby on a pirate ship? That it's safe? Because it doesn't seem safe to me."
"You'd think that, wouldn't you?" Fran seems unruffled by my words. She leans over and picks up Jasmine. The baby has drool all down her chin, but the look she gives her mother is adoring, and Fran is rewarded with a bright, happy smile full of gums and slobber. "But being here on a ship with people that love and care about me is safer than anywhere else in this universe. It's not a nice place for humans." She gives me a wry smile as she bounces her daughter on her knee.
Not a nice place for humans is kinda an understatement. "I know it's not safe. I just…"
"Have a hard time reconciling this lifestyle to one back on Earth?" She gives me a knowing look. "You'll get there. And really, who's to say we were any safer back on Earth? Someone could drive their car through your living room or your plane could crash and you'd be just as dead. I'm happy with Kivian. Jasmine's happy. We have a crew full of people that help out when we need a break." She lifts the baby and kisses one fat, pale blue cheek and then holds her out to me. "Time to stop thinking about what you've been told is the right answer, and adapt to life out here." Fran shrugs. "If you don't want children, it's a different conversation entirely but…that's not what you were asking, is it?"
It's not. Because as worried as I am, I do want children. Maybe my biological clock is ticking, but the thought of having Adiron's baby fills me with such joy and such utter terror. I've always wanted a family…I just never thought I'd have it with an alien. In space.
But like Fran said, maybe it's time to stop thinking like I'm back on Earth. It's the same thing Zoey said, too. "I'm worried Adiron doesn't want kids," I confess, even as I take Jasmine in my arms and settle her on my lap.
"Have you asked him?" Fran studies me.
"Of course not," I joke. "I'm busy being a big scaredy cat."
Fran laughs. "If there's one thing I know, it's that a human that manages to live on their own for three years on an abandoned ship is anything but a scaredy cat."
"Heard about that, did you?" I murmur, studying Jasmine. The baby stuffs one little fist into her mouth and stares up at me with fascinated eyes. God, she really is cute. Large, but cute. Adiron's baby would be large, too. A guy that big would never have a tiny child. I wonder if our baby would have my hair or my skin, or if it'd look just like Adi. The thought makes me melt inside. A big, fat baby with his naughty grin and easygoing sense of humor. "I guess…I'm just telling myself that I need a moment for things to be calm and quiet. For it to be safe."
Fran's look is sympathetic. "You might be waiting a while."
Boy, don't I know that. I could be waiting years again. After all, Ruth's gone god-knows-where, Alice is lost in space—literally—and there's been no sign of Helen at all. My little family is scattered to the four corners, and all I've got is Adiron.
I've put my trust in him, but at the same time, I'm terrified. I like being in control, and ever since Shaalyn arrived to turn our world upside down, things have been anything but in control.
"Waiting a while for what?" a familiar voice asks from the doorway.
My stomach clenches. I turn and give Adiron a bright smile. "Didn't see you there."
He grins and saunters into the room. "I haven't transferred over to the Star yet. I wanted to see if Jade wanted to come with me. Thought you might like to visit your stomping grounds to see what's being changed." He moves to my side and strokes my hair, then holds a finger out for Jasmine to grab. "Looks like you're having fun without me, though."