Four years since Jace left this world, and not a single day went by that he didn’t miss his friend. His death was still raw and it never completely vanished, only lessened to a dull ache.
John was still holding on after all this time. He found himself visiting Jace’s Facebook page often just to look at old photos and videos and relive the good times they had together. He’d scroll through posts and read each one, sometimes even dropping a line on the page himself. He knew he should stop, but he couldn’t.
Once things settled down, Alyssa went back to college at nights and earned a degree in nursing. It wasn’t something she’d ever thought she’d do career wise, but she’d told John she wanted a job that would always be in demand. He knew her need to have stability in her career rested heavily on her upbringing. After speaking with Olivia many times as what to expect in the nursing filed, Alyssa was set to take her registered nursing licenses in a few months, right before their baby was born.
John let up on the gas a little, his heart slowing as he came up to the place that cost Jace his life. A presence surrounded him, guarding him. It was the same feeling that appeared when he did nine months of deployment in Iraq this past year where an explosion happened just a couple of feet away from him. His life flashed before his eyes—again—that day and knew he’d been spared because of Jace.
Each time he came down to South Fork, he was forced to pass the tree that took his friend’s life, and each time he watched the accident play out before him. The tree now had a rope of silk flowers wrapped around it that had faded due to the sun and right next to it was his remembrance cross with fresh flowers that Maryanne replaced every couple of weeks.
Why … he gulped, the tears already resting on his lids. Why did he have to go? Why did that tree have to be there? If only he hadn’t reached for his cell. If only Alyssa hadn’t called Jace like John had asked her to. The same questions played through his mind every time. If only he could turn back time.
If only.
John wiped his eyes and looked in the rearview mirror at the white cross shaped sign behind him. His chest tightened, his heart ached for his friend.
“Rest in peace, buddy,” he whispered.
A few minutes later, he was stepping out of the truck. John went around to the passenger side and helped Alyssa out. She wasn’t far along in her pregnancy, but he loved watching her belly grow with his son. He spoiled her and showered her with love every minute of the day. Reaching into the back, he lifted a sleeping Brooke to his chest then closed the door.
“Daddy?” she said groggily.
John rubbed her back. “Shhhh. Let mommy hold you for a minute.”
“No,” she wined, and threw her arms around his neck. He shrugged. Brooke was a daddy’s girl through and through.
“Ready?” Alyssa asked and John nodded.
“Well then, come on, baby, let’s go see Jace,” she said, and slipped her hand into his. She always seemed to know when he needed her most without having to say a word.
Damn, he loved that girl.
Hand in hand, they strolled down the aisle passing dozens of headstones. The overgrown grass tickled his ankles and his heartbeat hammered against his ribs as they reached Jace McConnell. The last time he visited this spot he poured Jace a drink and sobbed on the spot. He hadn’t been back since and he despised himself for that, but he couldn’t bring himself to come back just yet.
“Take a breath.” Alyssa squeezed his hand, giving him courage.
Stopping in front of Jace’s headstone, the rush of emotions flowing through John took him by surprise. He wasn’t expecting to cry, but he couldn’t stop it from happening. The tears poured out and Alyssa embraced him. After four years, he still couldn’t believe what happened to Jace. Would he ever be able to get over it? Maybe many years from now, maybe not. Only time would tell.
“Want me to give you some alone time with him?” Alyssa asked quietly.
Looking down, he saw the depth of love in her eyes, her sincerity, and her strength. Alyssa had been with him when Jace was in the accident. She had felt his pain and stayed by his side that night. She belonged with him right now. He needed her.
“No, I want you here with me.”
John exhaled and handed Brooke over to Alyssa. She fussed so John took off his tags and handed them to her. Brooke gripped them in her hand then rested her head on Alyssa’s shoulder where she dozed off.
Crouching down he said, “Hey, buddy. How you doin’? It’s been awhile, and I apologize for that. It’s been a rough few years … so I stayed away. I wish I could give you a bullshit story why I haven’t been back, but the fact is I haven’t been able to let go. Your death still hurts all the time.” John sighed, the guilt hitting him harder than ever.
“I know Ford hasn’t been back in a few years since he lives in Tennessee now, so I figured I’d give you the low down on him. Can you believe he snagged an older woman? Remember how he loved his girls younger with wide hips? Well, this one is the complete opposite. He said she’s a cougar,” John laughed and heard Alyssa snicker. “I almost don’t believe it myself.”
Sobering, John grew serious. “So, I know the last time I was here I brought you a drink.” He looked up at Alyssa with glossy eyes and mouthed, “I’ll explain later.” He turned his head back to the marble lettering and stared at them. “I don’t have a drink this time, but I have something even better.” He took a deep breath. “My son is growing inside of Alyssa and we’re going to name him Jace. After you. We both felt like it was right, like it was meant to be.”
A knot clogged his throat and he struggled to get the words out. He made a vow to himself to come and visit Jace more. No more excuses.
“Man, I wish I wasn’t sitting here talking to a piece of stone. I wish you could be here right now. What I wouldn’t give to go back to that night and do it all over again.” He shook his head, closing his eyes. “Had I known this would’ve happened, I would’ve done everything in my power to stop you from getting in your truck. A little piece of me died with you that night and I haven’t been able to let go. I haven’t been ready to say goodbye, to accept everything. By doing so I felt like I was saying goodbye to you forever and I hate that feeling. I hate it because I don’t ever want to say it.” Standing up, he reached blindly for Alyssa’s hand. “But today, I think I’m ready. It’s weird, I’m ready but I’m not …”
Taking one last long breath, John looked up at the clear sky and exhaled.
Life worked in mysterious ways. It’s unwritten. No one knew what was ahead of them, but John learned to live in the moment and have no regrets, because tomorrow it could all be gone in the blink of an eye and you can’t ever get it back. John missed Jace deeply and always would. The longing for his friend would never go away, but John knew somewhere that Jace was looking down and watching over them. He’d never forget him or the memories they shared, those would always be with him and nothing could take those away. He’d savor them until his time was up here.