“Why … Why did ya have to go? It was supposed to be me and you against the world. Why couldn’t you fight harder? Why did I have to call you that night? God, what I wouldn’t give to turn back time,” John sighed loudly, and let his head fall back. He clenched his eyes shut.
“You’re here, but you’re not. It’s all so strange, like I can feel your spirit all around me. Sometimes I ask myself if this is real, that you’re really dead. I just can’t believe I don’t have you by my side anymore.” Tears stained his cheeks. “I’m not ready, man. I’m not ready to say goodbye.”
Chills broke out across his arms as the wind blew and he shivered. John’s eyes narrowed at the stone. A sad laugh rolled off his breath. How pathetic was he sitting here talking to a damn piece of stone as if it could respond? John was losing it.
“I just can’t. Because if I do, then that means this shit is real and you’re really gone. So I won’t say goodbye, I just won’t.”
Bringing the beer to his mouth, John realized the bottle was empty. He eyed Jace’s cup and reached for it.
“
Not gonna drink it? That’s cool. I’ll drink it for you. Bottoms up.” He brought the cup to his lips and paused. Extending his arm, John tipped the cup over and poured a line of beer out for Jace like he did last time. He prayed he wouldn’t go to Hell for this.
He raised his cup, giving a silent salute then drank the rest of the contents.
Stumbling to his truck, John was drunker than he realized. Nevertheless, he was ready to go home and sleep away another day until the sun set then he would start all over again.
Looking over his shoulder he whispered under his breath, “I’ll never forget you. Never. This isn’t goodbye.”
Placing a hand on the side of his truck to steady himself, John took a deep breath before he pulled open his driver’s side door and climbed in. It took him a few tries, but he finally got the key in the ignition. Kick It in the Sticks by Brantley Gilbert came on the radio, and John cranked it up before he peeled out of the cemetery.
Pulling onto Broadway, John rolled down his window and dropped an arm out. Nothing felt as good as when he rode with the windows down and the radio blaring. There was something about music that revved his blood and got him going. The beat pulsed through him and he felt good. John was beginning to understand how Luke felt about music. It calmed his nerves and took him to another place in time. It allowed him to escape.
Focusing on the yellow line, John drove as straight as he could down the dark road that was encased by tall and very old trees. But it wasn’t easy tonight. It was harder than what he was used to. He was exhausted, and it wasn’t easy trying to follow two lines. Hey … When did two lines appear? And why were they moving? Which one was he supposed to drive next to when they were swerving in and out of each other? John slapped his face to wake himself up a little bit then sat up straighter. He couldn’t wait to hit the sheets. Hopefully everyone would be asleep once he got home. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone.
Yawning, John stretched his arms and he arched his back. Damn, his bed never sounded so appealing than right now. Opening his tired eyes, John’s heart jumped into his throat and he stepped on the brakes. His truck fishtailed on the gravel as he tried everything not to hit the deer in front of his truck. He never saw it coming. The deer didn’t move until John veered to the right, slipping and sliding all over the road. The screech of his tires must have scared it, because it went galloping away into the field. As John’s truck slowed down, the bed of his truck pulled right and onto the grass when it stopped. His heart pounded in his ears, he was nauseous to the core. He threw open the door, jumped out and paced back and forth. He shook so bad he couldn’t control it. The scent of burned rubber permeated the air and it woke him right up.
Stopping in front of his truck, John placed his hands on the warm hood and bent over, relieving his stomach into the grass. It was nothing but liquid. He had been halfway to heaven—or hell– tonight and it was something he never wanted to experience again.
John took out his cell when he got back inside his truck and sent a quick text to Alyssa. He knew he shouldn’t, but he just had a near death experience and needed her.
I still want you. I need to feel you and I hate that I can’t. I hate myself for hurting you. I know I fucked up, and I’m sorry, but I’m going to make it better. I promise.
Then John turned off his phone without waiting to see if Alyssa would respond and went home, otherwise he would be checking his phone every minute.
While lying in bed staring at the ceiling fan spin in circles, John decided that he was going to make a change. He watched his own life flash before his eyes and it scared the shit out of him. He should have never driven drunk, again, but he wasn’t thinking clearly either. It was dumb and reckless, not to mention he could have killed someone. He could wake up tomorrow and be dead, but John wasn’t ready to die. He had his entire life ahead of him and he didn’t want to cut it short because of his own stupidity.
So tomorrow, he would tell his father that he was ready to follow in his footsteps. He needed to get out, get away from everything and everyone. It was the only way. He knew it would be intense, but maybe that’s what he needed to get his head on straight. And who knows, maybe he would come to love it the way his father had. Only time would tell.
He was given one life to live, and he was going to live it to its fullest.
Three months later…
A lot had happened in the last few months, a lot of life changing moments.
The night he came close to meeting Jace at the golden gates was an awakening. He was living life on the edge, not giving a shit about what happened next. It was careless and selfish of him. He couldn’t believe he let himself stoop so low, but he’d been passed the point of depression. He was drowning his grief and sorrow in alcohol which was the worst thing he could’ve done. It scared the shit out of him, but isn’t that how life worked? It takes a life altering event to wake up.
After losing Jace, John realized how short life is. How valuable it was, a price couldn’t be put on it. And from that day forward, John was going to make the most of it.
He didn’t tell anyone, other than his family, of his decision. He probably should have, but not drinking was a fight in itself. Saying goodbye was hard, especially as of lately. It wasn’t easy leaving, but he would be back and make things right.
The first couple of weeks at boot camp had been absolute torment on John. It hit him harder than he expected. Many times he asked himself, what had he signed up for? It wasn’t child’s play, that’s for sure. It wreaked havoc on his body. His muscles were sore and he ached for weeks in places he didn’t even know he had muscles. His mind was broken down by mental exhaustion and built back up. By stripping away all his negative thoughts and focusing on becoming a better person, a Marine, he was proving himself little by little. It’s funny how thirteen weeks of camp sounds like a cakewalk, but it’s anything but that. It was pure mental and physical exhaustion. It was taxing, not only on his body, but his mind as well. Nothing in his life had taken so much from him before. As drained as he was at the end of each day, John looked forward to the next.
He thought about the path he was taking and what he would become of it. It wasn’t for the weak, that’s for sure. Boot camp chewed up the weak and ate them for breakfast. Had his father not pushed him all those months ago, maybe he wouldn’t be on his way home from training for a small break. That little push planted a seed inside of John. Life worked in mysterious ways and he wasn’t going to question it. He was just going to roll with the tide and see where it took him.
For the ten days he would be home, John was going to spend as much time as he could with his family and fix other parts of his life that he had royally screwed up.
He’d left Alyssa high and dry, and it was wrong of him. In hindsight, he should have told her he was leaving, but he didn’t. Hopefully, she would understand and forgive him. He missed her so much and hated himself for the pain he caused her. He was determined to make it better.