With some sound added to the words, I found even more lyrics tumbling out of me.
Alex laughed.
“What?”
“I’d forgotten the way you stick your tongue out the corner of your mouth when you concentrate on things.”
“Don’t.”
“Ha, you so do.”
I ignored him and got back to writing. Some of it was rough and would need polishing, but I had the basics down. I hummed some more. Alex copied that down too. Then he got out his phone.
“Try that again and I’ll record it.”
He pressed the button and I tried to remember what I’d hummed. When he finished, the barista came over with more coffees for us. I looked up and the cafe had filled with people. When had that happened?
“You’re working so hard, you need this,” the barista said. “On the house.”
“My favourite three words,” I replied. I wondered if I’d look piggy if I ordered more food.
The whole time I’d been working with Alex, I’d forgotten that I hated him. I’d forgotten how much he’d made me suffer. Instead, I’d become warm inside, no longer ice cold. I had to fight harder.
I reached for the sugar as Alex picked up some more of my notes. Our hands touched. For a second, I wanted to stay like that, the warmth of him searing through me.
I righted myself but the feeling of his body against mine stayed with me. I didn’t want that. I needed to cleanse myself of him. I was headed down a path to my own destruction. He buzzed me like an electric current.
I jumped up and put some money on the counter then headed outside into the fresh air.
Expecting Alex to follow behind me, I headed off down the laneway but, when I reached the main street, he was nowhere to be seen. I huffed and put my hands in my pockets. If I went back for him, it’d look like I gave a damn about him but I had no idea where I even was. The only parts of this town I’d seen were around the apartment and the club. I’d not had a chance to explore more. Well, I had but when I wasn’t rehearsing, Ferdie and I had been playing PS. I figured we were somewhere part way between the club and the rehearsal studio but I had no bearings.
I could get a cab home but I’d thrown all my money on the counter. I had no idea how much breakfast had even cost, just that I didn’t want Alex to pay for me.
If I knew where I was, I’d get home in no time. I’d shower and then I’d be me again, not this fake me who got shivers down her body at Alex’s touch.
Because I could do nothing else, I stomped my feet. Maybe I could work out my way back using Google Maps but, when I pulled out my phone, the damn page wouldn’t load and the map made no sense at all.
“What’s up?” said Alex, appearing beside me.
“I want to go home.”
“Home to the apartment or home home?”
My heart clenched. I wasn’t sure. Away from Alex home was what I wanted but the apartment was his. I’d need to go all the way back to my parents to get rid of him and that wasn’t possible. The sun was getting hot and I moved into the shade to think about this. Alex started walking, heading to the river, and I walked along beside him. More because that saved me the effort of thinking than because I wanted to.
Pete had said that if Jake hadn’t died, I’d still be all starry-eyed about Alex. I wondered. He did stir up all the entire soup of feels within. I had to admit to myself that my crush on him hadn’t ended, as much as I’d wanted to believe it had. But I’d put him on a pedestal for so many years. People always believed the worst of Alex, and he’d loved to cultivate that image. I’d thought I knew the truth: that he was so much more.
He never wanted to be seen as a spoilt, entitled rich kid. But, in the end, that’s what he’d been.
“Why didn’t you come to see me? Afterwards?” I asked.
I could barely get out the words, afraid of saying them. My belly dropped as I spoke.
“What good would that have done?” he replied. “Did you want me to ask for forgiveness? Even if I’d ask, if I’d gotten down on my knees and begged, would you have forgiven me? I know you, Dee, and I knew that you’d never forgive me. I’m not even sure I’ve forgiven myself.”
He started out across the river, lost within himself for a while. I thought about it. He was right. I’d have punched him and thrown things at him and maybe spat in his face, and still I’d have not forgiven him.
I’d never thought about his feelings. His feelings had never seemed worthy of consideration. I’d assumed he’d driven out of town without giving us a second thought. I didn’t want to soften in my feelings about Alex but it was hard to hold onto the anger when I saw him look so tortured.